Batista needs your help!

When surfing the net the day after "The Animal" Dave Batista's departure from WWE, I came across this wildlife website which is coordinating aid for the former 'sports-entertainer' and captured a screenshot.
(Click on picture to enlarge)

(Originally posted by myself at The Wrestling Fan forum)

Alimony is running wild, brutha!

Fresh from his recent experience of tapping out to a divorce court, Hulk Hogan (known to attorneys as Terrence Gene Bollea) has released a brand new item of merchandise in an attempt to raise some much-needed funds.

Hogan gave us Surielism the following statement: "Lemme tell ya something brutha, sometimes a brutha's gotta do what a brutha's gotta do, especially when his ex-wife is carrying all his money away on her barn-door back, brutha! TNA's money isn't gonna last forever brutha, especially at the rate me and my bruthas are pocketing it! So help a brutha out and buy a shirt, whaddya say brutha?"

Insiders are predicting Hogan vs Linda in a "Divorceamania Rules" match at a future TNA event (the winner gets to shag the best friend of one of their teenage children, the loser gets to shag the best friend of the other of their teenage children).

The Iron Sheik will make you HUMBLE!

To humble (third-person singular simple present "humbles", present participle "humbling", simple past and past participle "humbled")

1. To bring low; to reduce the power, independence, or exaltation of; to lower; to abase; to humiliate.
Here, take this purse, thou whom the heaven's plagues have humbled to all strokes. -Shak.
The genius which humbled six marshals of France. -Macaulay.

2. To make humble or lowly in mind; to abase the pride or arrogance of; to reduce the self-sufficiency of; to make meek and submissive; -- often used reflexively.
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you.
1 Pet. v. 6.

3. To cripple and anally violate.
Suplex him, put him in the Camel Clutch, break his back and then fuck his ass to make him HUMBLE! -Iron Sheik

The Iron Sheik (Khosrow Hossein Vaziri) was once one of professional wrestling's great villains - a twirly-mustached, twirly-booted beast intent on destroying America in the name of the Ayatollah! But that was then.

Nowadays he is an internationally-beloved fan favourite, recipient of the Nobel Prize for Physics, Harvard professor and role-model for young children. This amazing transformation has been carried out via a unique and curious modus operandae: issuing threats of sodomy.

The legendary "Iron Sheik Goes Nuts" video (OVER 18s ONLY!) has received (at current time) nearly 1 million views on YouTube and has been invaluable in portraying the Iron Sheik's commitment to law, order and respect as well as his strong belief in the merits of countering egotism with anal rape.

In addition, Sheiky (as he is known to his friends) has issued similar overtures of buggery to such diverse personages as Michael Richards (Kramer, you broke my fucking heart! I'm gonna fuck your ass to make you humble!) and Terrence "Hulk Hogan" Bollea (I should have fucked his ass!).

As we shall see, the Iron Sheik has not limited his non-consensual (yet diplomatic) butt-banditry to such miscreants as these. Examine these quotes if ya will!

BBC News: Oscar-winning director Peter Jackson said he was "incredibly humbled" after being made a Knight Companion of the New Zealand Order of Merit.
(editor's note: this was to punish him for having Elves at Helm's Deep)

ESPN: Jimmy Clausen seemed humble after his first NFL workout. It was a trait often missing during a career that started as a high school phenom in California and continued when he went 16-18 as a three-year starter with the Fighting Irish.
(editor's note: I bet Sheiky gave him a workout to remember!)

The Guardian: Barack Obama 'surprised' and 'humbled' by Nobel peace prize.
(editor's note: Iron Sheik musta used it as a dildo)

Daily Mail: Magpies humbled as fans jeer 'hated' Ashley and call for Shearer to return.
(editor's note: even birds are not safe)

MTV: Lady Gaga 'Humbled' By Madonna Coming To Her Show.
(editor's note: Madonna humbled her? Damn. If I'd known Sheiky was contracting out humblings then I would have volunteered. At least for this job!)

Irish Times: Ireland humbled by blinkered hubris, says President.
(editor's note: holy shit! He did it to an entire country!)

Let this be a salutary lesson.
If the Iron Sheik can do it to them, why then he can do it to YOU!

Return of the Spack!

Return of the Spack indeed!


Devouring matchsticks and wearing a jockstrap in lieu of a hat is quite the 'in thing' this season, darling!

Anybody remember Mark Morrison, aka "The Mack"? Let’s start with his nickname. "The Mack"...? Did he imagine he was a raincoat? Perhaps he should have dubbed himself "The Cagoule" or maybe gone the whole hog and used the name "The Rohan Anorak With Gore-Tex Lining And Extra Pockets". Whichever way you look at it, he sounds like a trainspotter.

I never understood how he managed to attain the "bad-boy image" that he (supposedly) had. What did he do that was so bad/badd? (mofo!) I guess he was a bit of a twat, but if that was a hanging offence then the United Kingdom would have a population of about 512. And I'd have been long since dispatched.

I vaguely recall "Return Of The Mack" being released. (Was he taking it back to M&S to swap it for one in day-glo pink?) What puzzled me mightily was how somebody could be making a supposedly Big Return when, to the best of my knowledge, he'd never done a damn thing in the first place!

Perhaps this is my opportunity for fame and fortune, although Morrison seems to have achieved little of either.I could turn up at "Top Of The Pops" with a bunch of towering posse members (i.e. bodyguards hired to make me look cool), a fur coat (fuck PETA, this is my career we’re talking about) and omnipresent sunglasses (works for Edgar Davids) and say "Wagwan, I iz makin my Big Return innit, now give me a recordin contract befo I bust a cap in yo ass honky, I iz a BAD/BADD BOY (mofo!) and woz well famous befo, innit. If yu aint eard ov me it is becoz yu iz too white, innit."

TOTP would instantly cave in, put me on stage, Simon Fuller would give me shitloads of money and the world would be my lobster, Terry my son!

At least that is what could have happened if TOTP hadn't hired Fearne Cotton/Britton/whicheverthefuck, lost its audience and been cancelled. This is a lesson Radio One should heed. But that is a rant for another day.

Nothing says "g-d up from the feet up" like a raincoat!

My Inaugural Post!

Even the universe had to begin somewhere and this blog (I hate the word already) is no different.

And please don't send me messages about God creating jam in three days (Eddie Izzard represent yo!) or the possibilities of the universe being in some kind of never-ending loop.

Having said that (and possibly damned myself), as this is my first post and nobody knows this blog (arghh) exists except Me and Mr Google (coming to an adult video store near you), I won't get any messages at all unless I send them to myself. Which begs the question: is emailing yourself more/less crazy than talking to yourself? Is it just technologically-advanced, futuristic insanity? (and if so, is that "cool" or "nerdy"?) Or am I just blabbering to waste time while my dinner heats up in the oven?

Well, that's about it for my first post. I had to get it out of the way as quickly as possible so I could progress more quickly onto talking about deep subjects like politics, philosophy and professional wrestling (the Three Peas!).

Adios muchachas (I have no idea what that means)