Heinz vs Co-Op: Salad Cream Showdown!

Heinz salad cream versus Co-Operative salad cream. Showdown Of The Century! And it is taking place right now. (IN THAT VERY RING! BAHHH GOD!)

Okay, so basically I have 12 chips (American eq. = French fries) on my plate and two bottles of salad cream made by rival companies, Heinz and the Co-Op. FYI, the Co-Op stuff has recently replaced the Somerfield own-brand version on the shelves of my local supermarket, due to the recent takeover. Has it been an improvement? We shall find out. First some knowledge to impart:

Salad cream is basically the lowbrow equivalent of mayonaisse. It is an unsophisticated condiment which is not possessed of a foreign name and can helpfully disguise careless burning of food. Yet the fact that its name contains the word "salad" enables to commoners who devour it to feel somewhat upwardly mobile.

I should explain here that I am mixed-class (a bit like being mixed-race but without the benefit of offending Nazis). My mother's family - middle class. My father's family - working class. Therefore I am entitled to eat both mayonaisse and salad cream. I am also entitled to pronounce words correctly and degenerate into frequent fits of swearing.

I shall be judging the competitors via the following rationale:

1. Cost
   
2. Ease Of Being Squeezed Out Of Bottle
   
3. Colour
4. Appearance
5. Taste

1: Cost
As you might have guessed, the Heinz one is more expensive. It's a brand name so they can get away with charging more for it. The First Rule Of Business is "charge the highest price the market can stand". The Second Rule Of Business is "always fuck the secretary if she weighs less than you", but that's hardly relevant to salad cream. I should mention here that Co-Op Salad Cream is slightly more expensive than the Somerfield product it replaced.
Victor: Co-Op

2: Ease Of Being Squeezed Out Of Bottle
An essential feature, as I'm sure you'll agree. I've sat through dinners in which the only joy to be derived was from squeezing the ketchup bottle whilst it made sounds reminiscent of a dysentry-afflicted bullfrog. The Ease Of Squeeze was in fact identical, but I had much fun testing this.
Victor: n/a (Draw)

3: Colour
The Heinz product exhibits a gentle, mildly yellow tinge to compliment it's creamy hue. Salad cream being the colour of cream (albeit a peroxide variety)? Whodathunkit?
But what is this?!?!
The Co-Op one is approximately equivalent in tone to Builder's Magnolia paint (the favourite of cheapskate landlords - i.e. ALL landlords). This is not good. I am afflicted by that bastard colour whenever I look at my walls. Or the walls of anyone else who rents accomodation. I don't want to see it on my goddamn plate. Co-Op - you FLUNKED the Dulux test!
Victor: Heinz

4: Appearance
Heinz product: looks smooth and creamy (sorry, I realise I am grossly overusing this word). In other words, it looks like you'd expect it to look. And that is a good thing. Surprises are rarely pleasant and especially not when it comes to condiments.
Co-Op product: It looks like wallpaper paste, turgid and gloopy (new words FTW!). This is the kind of thing that washes up on beaches in large quantities, clinging to the corpses of birds, fish, whales and drunken tourists who tried to swim through it. And it STILL appears to be the same colour as my walls.
Victor: Heinz

5: Taste
Ahhh, now I can finally dip my chips in it and savour the delights of an edible substance designed to make my food taste like something completely different.
The Heinz version tastes like salad cream. It just does! Imagine a sweet vinegary, creamy flavour with the consistancy of jizz. (or so I'd imagine. I wish to state at this point that NEVER has ANY jizz entered my mouth. Or any other part of my body.) Odd that such a revolting concept could taste so good when combined with strips of fried potato.
The Co-Op version however tastes FUCKING VILE! Holy guacamole! I've just remembered why I have TWO bottles of salad cream! The Heinz one was to replace the reprehensibly appalling Co-Op shit. Now one of my chips has been wasted as I've spat it over the floor. This does NOT taste like salad cream, it tastes like evil, rancid, congealed goat-milk-mixed-with-piss. I'm throwing it in the bin whilst trying not to throw up.
Victor: Heinz (its competition nearly made me barf, so an easy win there)

The Winner Of The 'Greatest Salad Cream In My Fridge' Trophy: HEINZ!!!!!
The Co-Operative salad cream has now been binned and will never be purchased again.