Reported here by Reuters, a German student from Allershausen, Bavaria went nuts for reasons as yet unclear.
The first evidence of this was him (for no apparent reason) making "rude hand gestures" at a group of Hell's Angels. However, clearly feeling this was an inadequate method of venting his rage he then captured a small dog and threw it at the bemused bikers.
Perhaps at this time he felt he'd pushed his luck too far. (We all know what happens to people who throw puppies at Hell's Angels). So the student decided to make good his escape. By stealing a bulldozer.
Whether the HA decided to go after him is unclear. Possibly they would have been unable to catch up, as the academic miscreant managed to cause a 3-mile traffic jam by the time he dumped the machine. Police subsequently apprehended him at his house. Apparently he had been suffering from depression. The dog thankfully suffered no harm.
Thursday 17 June 2010
Monday 7 June 2010
Boy Saves Sister from Moose using World of Warcraft skills.
From the Norway-based news site Nettavisen (here in English via Google Translate, here in Norweigan)
Hans JΓΈrgen Olsen, a 12-year-old boy from Leksvig, Norway was making his way to school with his 10-year-old sister when the pair were confronted by a....MOOSE! The moose was clearly in an irritable mood as it charged them on sight. Young Hans shrieked at the enraged beast but "realised quickly that it would not stop". Presumably when it butted him to the ground. When he regained his bearings the creature was standing menacingly over him.
At this point things get weird. Hans told the newspaper that he drove away the moose by pretending to be dead: a trick he learnt "on Level 30 of World of Warcraft". One might suggest that the moose (a herbivore) got bored and buggered off to find some grass to eat.
But in any case, the moose did leave so Hans and his sister were able to make it to school uneaten. The school nurse was able to confirm that the heroic youth had suffered nowt more damage than a few bruises. All's well that ends well!
Seriously though, a MOOSE? Is a moose really going to kill and devour someone? If so, how? A moose can't exactly GORE ya. Okay, sure, it has antlers. Antlers that look like OVEN GLOVES!
Come to think of it, oven gloves would probably do more damage. You could slap somebody with one and cause them to spill their tea over their foot.
This has been a World Of Bizarre special.
And unlike *other* sites, I've actually done my research and not embellished the news story.
Hans JΓΈrgen Olsen, a 12-year-old boy from Leksvig, Norway was making his way to school with his 10-year-old sister when the pair were confronted by a....MOOSE! The moose was clearly in an irritable mood as it charged them on sight. Young Hans shrieked at the enraged beast but "realised quickly that it would not stop". Presumably when it butted him to the ground. When he regained his bearings the creature was standing menacingly over him.
At this point things get weird. Hans told the newspaper that he drove away the moose by pretending to be dead: a trick he learnt "on Level 30 of World of Warcraft". One might suggest that the moose (a herbivore) got bored and buggered off to find some grass to eat.
But in any case, the moose did leave so Hans and his sister were able to make it to school uneaten. The school nurse was able to confirm that the heroic youth had suffered nowt more damage than a few bruises. All's well that ends well!
Seriously though, a MOOSE? Is a moose really going to kill and devour someone? If so, how? A moose can't exactly GORE ya. Okay, sure, it has antlers. Antlers that look like OVEN GLOVES!
Come to think of it, oven gloves would probably do more damage. You could slap somebody with one and cause them to spill their tea over their foot.
This has been a World Of Bizarre special.
And unlike *other* sites, I've actually done my research and not embellished the news story.
Sunday 6 June 2010
World Cup predictor from the BBC
Aunty (the British Broadcasting Corporation) have favoured the license payers yet again with a pretty nifty online World Cup predictor. Ye just click on who you think is gonna win matches. Sweet 'n' simple.
It be located right here (BBC website).
FYI, my predictions have Argentina beating Brazil in the final with England coming third.
It looks like Group A is this tournament's "Group of Death" - could really go any way. What form will France show up in? I gotta believe that my Mexican homeboys will qualify from the group stages at least.
It be located right here (BBC website).
FYI, my predictions have Argentina beating Brazil in the final with England coming third.
It looks like Group A is this tournament's "Group of Death" - could really go any way. What form will France show up in? I gotta believe that my Mexican homeboys will qualify from the group stages at least.
Saturday 5 June 2010
Batista needs your help!
When surfing the net the day after "The Animal" Dave Batista's departure from WWE, I came across this wildlife website which is coordinating aid for the former 'sports-entertainer' and captured a screenshot.
(Click on picture to enlarge)
(Originally posted by myself at The Wrestling Fan forum)
(Click on picture to enlarge)
(Originally posted by myself at The Wrestling Fan forum)
Wednesday 2 June 2010
Lost In Translation: Twitter!
Following the example of PyroPoet, I've been putting Tweets in Portuguese through Google Translate to try to make sense of them. Hilarity insued!
These Tweets were all related to a certain Brazilian soccer star. Here are the cream of the crop:
Only three words can adequately sum that up:
"IT FUCKING BITCH!"
These Tweets were all related to a certain Brazilian soccer star. Here are the cream of the crop:
- Maluf opens avenue Michel Bastos. Steal a few balls, but he scores, and leaves a large estate on his back.
- imagine taking a kick in the sack of Michel Bastos? one lump sum to 139km an hour? dude, your bag would disappear for sure
- Every day for more old Michel Bastos Roberto Carlos. The great goal to put it confirms Zimbabwe. The best free kick.
- Michel Bastos bangers player coincide with the last name translation into French.
- Michel bastos firming its position by sending well! Thank goodness because I could not bear the Gilberto.
- Julio Batista, with pass-heel, and Michel Bastos, with lack of home run, left good impression.
- Good band player Michel Bastos. He has a great left foot shot. Footballer interesting.
- The kick from Michel Bastos reached 139 km / h. It fucking bitch!
- Great Michel Bastos. Shot the best player of the match!
Only three words can adequately sum that up:
"IT FUCKING BITCH!"
Tuesday 1 June 2010
World Of Crazy - Freak(ing huge) Wave
Video footage of fishing ship hit by rogue wave. (They survived)
"Rogue waves" aka Freak Waves (2 x bigger than the mean of the largest third of waves in a wave record) have been long rumoured in maritime folklore but not scientifically measured until 1995 when one hit the Draupner Platform in the North Sea.
As their name suggests, rogue/freak waves appear randomly and there is no clear understanding of their cause and no way of predicting their occurrence. Researchers (and the media) have raised the possibility of rogue waves being responsible for many unexplained disappearences of ships at sea.
"Rogue waves" aka Freak Waves (2 x bigger than the mean of the largest third of waves in a wave record) have been long rumoured in maritime folklore but not scientifically measured until 1995 when one hit the Draupner Platform in the North Sea.
As their name suggests, rogue/freak waves appear randomly and there is no clear understanding of their cause and no way of predicting their occurrence. Researchers (and the media) have raised the possibility of rogue waves being responsible for many unexplained disappearences of ships at sea.
Thursday 27 May 2010
Retards Of Our Planet (Part 5)
Don't Trust Foreign Companies...
...is the opinion of renowned dumbass Sarah Palin in the wake of the environmental disaster in the Gulf Of La Raza.
Thankfully her husband Todd Palin is far less xenophobic, having only recently left British oil giant BP after 18 years of loyal service.
Reported here.
Evil Otters
The Kendal and District Angling Club are in uproar due to malicious otters having the gall to eat fish in local rivers.
Otters are a protected species in England after their numbers fell to near extinction in the 1980s. One angry fisherman, Mr Tony Ryan, has proposed lifting their protected status so he can legally kill them.
Reported here.
Bunting Banned
Carnival organisers in Ferndown, Dorset have been banned from hanging up bunting (strings of small, plastic flags) on grounds that it might cause lampposts to fall down.
Nuff said really! Reported here.
...is the opinion of renowned dumbass Sarah Palin in the wake of the environmental disaster in the Gulf Of La Raza.
Thankfully her husband Todd Palin is far less xenophobic, having only recently left British oil giant BP after 18 years of loyal service.
Reported here.
Evil Otters
The Kendal and District Angling Club are in uproar due to malicious otters having the gall to eat fish in local rivers.
Otters are a protected species in England after their numbers fell to near extinction in the 1980s. One angry fisherman, Mr Tony Ryan, has proposed lifting their protected status so he can legally kill them.
Reported here.
Bunting Banned
Carnival organisers in Ferndown, Dorset have been banned from hanging up bunting (strings of small, plastic flags) on grounds that it might cause lampposts to fall down.
Nuff said really! Reported here.
Wednesday 26 May 2010
World Of Bizarre - Vorpal Bunnies and Puking Philadelphians
This story is about a month old. A secondary school teacher from Vechta, Germany has sued a 14-yr -old pupil for drawing a bunny wabbit on the classroom blackboard. The reason? The teacher has a phobia of bunny wabbits and was traumatised! Sounds hare-raising (sorry). Reported here.
Also in the news (thanks Telegraph!), a baseball fan from Philadelphia PA, USA, has pleaded guilty to deliberately vomiting on an off-duty police officer and his daughter in retaliation for the rozzer getting his drunken, foul-mouthed buddy thrown out of the Philadelphia Phillies (shyte name) game. This story makes me sick (sorry). Reported here.
Ironic that this occurred in the City of Brotherly Love, no? But then again, judging by the fans of ECW, Philadelphia appears to be home to some seriously obnoxious turd-brains. Luckily they have Brian Heffron to balance things out!
Also in the news (thanks Telegraph!), a baseball fan from Philadelphia PA, USA, has pleaded guilty to deliberately vomiting on an off-duty police officer and his daughter in retaliation for the rozzer getting his drunken, foul-mouthed buddy thrown out of the Philadelphia Phillies (shyte name) game. This story makes me sick (sorry). Reported here.
Ironic that this occurred in the City of Brotherly Love, no? But then again, judging by the fans of ECW, Philadelphia appears to be home to some seriously obnoxious turd-brains. Luckily they have Brian Heffron to balance things out!
Monday 24 May 2010
Retards Of Our Planet (Part 4)
Delving into Plymouth's Herald newspaper has turned up two examples!
Example 1: Last Saturday ten teenagers decided to swim out to Drake's Island, 1/2 mile offshore in Plymouth Sound. All of them made it there. SIX of them had not considered how to get back...
(It's okay, they're still alive! Reported here)
Example 2: The top 10 most retarded emergency calls received by Devon & Cornwall Police during 2009 -
Example 1: Last Saturday ten teenagers decided to swim out to Drake's Island, 1/2 mile offshore in Plymouth Sound. All of them made it there. SIX of them had not considered how to get back...
(It's okay, they're still alive! Reported here)
Example 2: The top 10 most retarded emergency calls received by Devon & Cornwall Police during 2009 -
- "My power has gone off. Will my Sarah Lee gateaux defrost in the freezer if I keep the door shut and how long would it take?"
- "The Chinese takeaway I ordered is 45 minutes late. I want you to prosecute the takeaway for ripping me off."
- "Can one of your officers come around to my house to tell my sons to calm down?"
- One night during the summer 15 999 calls were made all reporting UFOs in the sky over Cornwall. It turned out the spectacle was lights and lasers from a concert at the Eden Project.
- "I can see a really rare bird sitting on top of a telegraph pole – who shall I ring?"
- "I bought a pair of jeans at a shop last week and took them back but the shop won't give me a refund."
- "There's been a pigeon in my back garden for the past three days – it's got a tag on."
- "I have lost my shoplifting ticket I was given when I was arrested last week."
- "Can you put me in touch with whoever deals with noise pollution as there is a builder using an angle grinder outside?"
- A woman dialled 999 after waking up with her duvet covering her head and panicking.
Friday 14 May 2010
Retards Of Our Planet (Part 3)
Trainspotter nearly killed by train.
You know you're a lousy trainspotter when you fail to "spot" the one coming right up behind you at 70mph!
You know you're a lousy trainspotter when you fail to "spot" the one coming right up behind you at 70mph!
World Of Bizarre - You're dicked...er...nicked!
As reported in the Northern Echo and the Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, officers of the North Yorkshire Police were dispatched to a shop in Leeming Bar to confiscate a sandstone penis measuring in at 48 inches (and for once, ladies, that's not an exaggeration).
Jason Hadlow, owner of the Simply Dutch curio shop (and chairman of Yarm Town Council), had the giant geological Johnson imported from Indonesia and erected it (tee hee!) in his shop window.
He was perplexed when members (tee hee!) of the constabulary came to confiscate the collossal cock following complaints from the public that the menacing manhood was "obscene".
Mr Hadlow has been levied an £80 fine over the dong dispute but feels the furore is ridickulous (tee hee!) and has begun a Facebook campaign entitled "Free Willy" to protest against the perceived pecker prejudice.
He is also importing 150 more 4-foot phalluses, 10 of which have already been sold for £200 each. (Making mine worth approximately £30. If it was made of stone.)
In case anyone is wondering why Jakarta has a manufacturing industry devoted to rocky ramrods, it is apparently because Indonesians touch them for good luck. Insert joke here. (insert... heh heh heh!)
Words my own. Photo from GazetteLive. Spotter credit to Angry People In Local Newspapers
Jason Hadlow, owner of the Simply Dutch curio shop (and chairman of Yarm Town Council), had the giant geological Johnson imported from Indonesia and erected it (tee hee!) in his shop window.
He was perplexed when members (tee hee!) of the constabulary came to confiscate the collossal cock following complaints from the public that the menacing manhood was "obscene".
Mr Hadlow has been levied an £80 fine over the dong dispute but feels the furore is ridickulous (tee hee!) and has begun a Facebook campaign entitled "Free Willy" to protest against the perceived pecker prejudice.
He is also importing 150 more 4-foot phalluses, 10 of which have already been sold for £200 each. (Making mine worth approximately £30. If it was made of stone.)
In case anyone is wondering why Jakarta has a manufacturing industry devoted to rocky ramrods, it is apparently because Indonesians touch them for good luck. Insert joke here. (insert... heh heh heh!)
Words my own. Photo from GazetteLive. Spotter credit to Angry People In Local Newspapers
Wednesday 12 May 2010
Alimony is running wild, brutha!
Fresh from his recent experience of tapping out to a divorce court, Hulk Hogan (known to attorneys as Terrence Gene Bollea) has released a brand new item of merchandise in an attempt to raise some much-needed funds.
Hogan gave us Surielism the following statement: "Lemme tell ya something brutha, sometimes a brutha's gotta do what a brutha's gotta do, especially when his ex-wife is carrying all his money away on her barn-door back, brutha! TNA's money isn't gonna last forever brutha, especially at the rate me and my bruthas are pocketing it! So help a brutha out and buy a shirt, whaddya say brutha?"
Insiders are predicting Hogan vs Linda in a "Divorceamania Rules" match at a future TNA event (the winner gets to shag the best friend of one of their teenage children, the loser gets to shag the best friend of the other of their teenage children).
Hogan gave us Surielism the following statement: "Lemme tell ya something brutha, sometimes a brutha's gotta do what a brutha's gotta do, especially when his ex-wife is carrying all his money away on her barn-door back, brutha! TNA's money isn't gonna last forever brutha, especially at the rate me and my bruthas are pocketing it! So help a brutha out and buy a shirt, whaddya say brutha?"Insiders are predicting Hogan vs Linda in a "Divorceamania Rules" match at a future TNA event (the winner gets to shag the best friend of one of their teenage children, the loser gets to shag the best friend of the other of their teenage children).
Monday 10 May 2010
World Of Crazy
Boeing 747 landing at airfield on the island of St Maarten in the Caribbean.
They do this all the time!
They do this all the time!
Sunday 9 May 2010
World Of Shocking (no humour)
Tranquility Bay was a correctional facility for wayward juveniles, based in Jamaica.
Its owner and director, Jay Kay, a bankrupt college dropout who formerly worked as a petrol station attendent, decided to establish a reform-school to which American parents would send their 'deliquent' children (some as young as 12) to be moulded into model citizens.
These teenage tearaways had committed such crimes as being disrespectful to their parents, smoking, having sex, having friends their parents disproved of and in one case smoking a joint.
To reform them they were sent to Tranquility Bay, sometimes after being forcibly removed from their homes, with parental consent (Shannon Levy-Rowley, for example, was handcuffed during her journey and later attempted suicide).
Their parents would legally grant Mr Kay 49% custody, agree to have no contact with the children for up to 12 months, waive the right to prosecute/sue if harm came to their offspring and pay him up to $40,000 a year for the privilege.
Tranquility opened its doors in 1997 and was finally closed down in 2009. (Here and here are parts 1 & 2 of a Guardian/Observer article from 2003 on the establishment.)
In the intervening years the staff (qualifications required: high-school education) employed psychological and physical abuse in order to correct the inmates.
Day-to-day live consisted of grinding prison monotony. Education consisted of reading from text books in silence and making notes. Submission to the system resulted in gaining 'credits', allowing one to progress from level-1 (forbidden from speaking or even moving without permission) to higher levels at which one could not only speak, but could also recommend punishments for kids at lower levels for disobedience.
Ah yes, punishment. Solitary confinement seems to have been frequently employed for teens misguided enough to break rules (or even complain at their treatment), as well as forcing them to lie on their face for hours at a time. If they struggled they might be forcibly thrown to the ground or into the nearest wall.
One girl was forced to spend 18 months (yes, you read that correctly) lying face down - she was allowed to stretch once every hour. Former inmates have reported staff breaking jaws and using weapons ranging from woodern planks to a radio.
One 17 yr-old girl, Valerie Ann Heron, threw herself to her death from a balcony at the facility. A 15 yr-old boy, Kerry Lane Brown, was pepper-sprayed 2/3 times a day over an 8 month period. Following his release he was repeatedly hospitalised due to PTSD and died in 2006 aged 24.
Incidentally, the company which handled the licensed-kidnapping of the youngsters was run by a man named Rick Strawn who previously quit his job as an Atlanta policeman rather than face an internal investigation over allegations he beat and molested his stepdaughter.
Tranquility Bay closed its doors in 2009 due to a decline in business.
Its parent company WWASPS (run by Jay Kay's father, coincidentally) is still operational, although a visit to the Wikipedia link will provide examples of the many cases of child abuse associated with the company.
Credit to TVTropes for the link to Guardian/Observer newsletter. Words my own and validated by sources provided.
Its owner and director, Jay Kay, a bankrupt college dropout who formerly worked as a petrol station attendent, decided to establish a reform-school to which American parents would send their 'deliquent' children (some as young as 12) to be moulded into model citizens.
These teenage tearaways had committed such crimes as being disrespectful to their parents, smoking, having sex, having friends their parents disproved of and in one case smoking a joint.
To reform them they were sent to Tranquility Bay, sometimes after being forcibly removed from their homes, with parental consent (Shannon Levy-Rowley, for example, was handcuffed during her journey and later attempted suicide).
Their parents would legally grant Mr Kay 49% custody, agree to have no contact with the children for up to 12 months, waive the right to prosecute/sue if harm came to their offspring and pay him up to $40,000 a year for the privilege.
Tranquility opened its doors in 1997 and was finally closed down in 2009. (Here and here are parts 1 & 2 of a Guardian/Observer article from 2003 on the establishment.)
In the intervening years the staff (qualifications required: high-school education) employed psychological and physical abuse in order to correct the inmates.
Day-to-day live consisted of grinding prison monotony. Education consisted of reading from text books in silence and making notes. Submission to the system resulted in gaining 'credits', allowing one to progress from level-1 (forbidden from speaking or even moving without permission) to higher levels at which one could not only speak, but could also recommend punishments for kids at lower levels for disobedience.
Ah yes, punishment. Solitary confinement seems to have been frequently employed for teens misguided enough to break rules (or even complain at their treatment), as well as forcing them to lie on their face for hours at a time. If they struggled they might be forcibly thrown to the ground or into the nearest wall.
One girl was forced to spend 18 months (yes, you read that correctly) lying face down - she was allowed to stretch once every hour. Former inmates have reported staff breaking jaws and using weapons ranging from woodern planks to a radio.
One 17 yr-old girl, Valerie Ann Heron, threw herself to her death from a balcony at the facility. A 15 yr-old boy, Kerry Lane Brown, was pepper-sprayed 2/3 times a day over an 8 month period. Following his release he was repeatedly hospitalised due to PTSD and died in 2006 aged 24.
Incidentally, the company which handled the licensed-kidnapping of the youngsters was run by a man named Rick Strawn who previously quit his job as an Atlanta policeman rather than face an internal investigation over allegations he beat and molested his stepdaughter.
Tranquility Bay closed its doors in 2009 due to a decline in business.
Its parent company WWASPS (run by Jay Kay's father, coincidentally) is still operational, although a visit to the Wikipedia link will provide examples of the many cases of child abuse associated with the company.
Credit to TVTropes for the link to Guardian/Observer newsletter. Words my own and validated by sources provided.
Saturday 8 May 2010
"My Immortal" reviewed!! Greatest Harry Potter ripoff EVER!!
WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD (sic!)
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"(sic) - Dumbledore
As detailed in this post, on 26 April I discovered the wondrous existence of "fan-fiction". This phenomenon seems to consist of crazed teenagers (I know, whodathunkit?) composing literary disasterpieces based on...well...anything, but usually cartoons, pro-wrestling, films and actual books.
Books like the Harry Potter series...
On 5 May 2010, I discovered My Immortal, the magnum opus of an author known only as Tara Gilesbie (30,800 hits on Google. I'm serious!).
My Immortal was placed on a popular fanfic website and received +10,000 reviews before being taken down because JK ROWLING THREATENED TO SUE!!!
If that's not a recommendation, nothing is!
It is kept alive here (contains MUCH strong language and extremely pathetic descriptions of sex) by Kthnxbai (who has my respect and gratitude for his/her commitment to preservation of culture).
The saga is not simply a Harry Potter fanfic. It actually has virtually nothing to do with Harry Potter, despite being set in Hogwarts and featuring numerous HP characters.
My Immortal is quite absolutely the most moronically written, fantastically nonsensical, ludicrously over-the-top, insanely misspelled, lunatic bullshit ever written in the history of humanity.
Consequently, it REEKS OF AWESOMENESS!!!
The story centres (in the most extreme sense of the word) on Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, best known as Enoby (sic). Enoby is a 17 year-old goff (sic). She is also a vampire, an emo, a self-harmer, a Satanist and a witch. Her favourite spells are Abra Kedabara (sic) and Crookshanks (sic). She cries tears of blood. She sleeps in a coffin. She has a fetish for gay men.
So of course she attends Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, to be with other young personages like herself.
I'm actually serious...! This version of Hogwarts is populated almost entirely by youngsters who are also simultaneously goffs, vampires, emos, self-harmers and Satanists who get off on watching young men have sex with each other. And these are the good guys!
The exceptions are House Grifindoor (sic), who are preppy posers and don't know the lyrics to Good Charlotte songs. I have no idea what that actually means, but it doesn't matter because the only Grifindoor mentioned is a girl called Britney (apparently the author's real-life nemesis). She is BAD. Well... she's blonde, anyway. And a clueless, preppy poser!
Plot?
Everything revolves around the main character Tara Gilesbie....er....Enoby.
No effort is spared in making sure we know the precise details of Enoby's outfit (which changes frequently, albeit not greatly).
All the good guys dress in exactly the same style. Because they're all goffs. Yeah.
They also listen to goff music. Like My Chemical Romance, Good Charlotte, Linkin Park and Marilyn Manson. Yeah.
As alluded to, clueless posers are roundly condemned in this story. Yeah.
Aside from this, things are a little sketchy.
Enoby goes toheavy metal goff concerts in Hogsmeade, smokes "cigarettes and drugs", cuts her wrists, reads "sad books", obsesses about how unfortunate she is to be so incredibly beautiful, is rude to preppy posers, swears a LOT, goes back in time and also has sex with virtually everyone who is up for it with her. Naturally, everyone is.
There are also strange subplots involving suicide,heavy metal GOFF concerts, preppy posers, murder, rape, incest, interior design, fashion (goff, natch) and even an orgy.
In addition, there are many, many, many Out Of Character (OOC) comments from Tara aimed at the numerous detractors her story had. There is even an instance of an addition being made by a hacker (which Tara left in the story, perhaps because it greatly improved the prose for a chapter)
As you've doubtless ascertained, we're not in Kansas any more. These are the supporting characters who feature in My Immortal:
Draco (aka Darko/Drace) - black hair, red eyes, bisexual, goff. Paranoid. Pussy. Cries constantly. Commits suicide at one point (and comes back to life). Drives a flying Mercedes Benz with a 666 license plate. Actually that's kinda kewl... He is in a permanent love triangle with Enoby and...
Harry Vampire Potter (aka Vampir/Vrompire) - black hair, red eyes, bisexual, goff with "manly stubble"! Has a pentagram-shaped scar. Cries constantly. Is a Slytherin. (And yeah, he's a vampire. But so is virtually everyone)
Albert Dumbledore (aka Dumblydor/Dumbledork/Dumblydum) - angry teacher (see quote at top of page). Wears a robe bearing the motif "Avril Lavigne". Preppy poser. Paints the Great Hall pink. Then paints it black to prove how emo he is (because he's a preppy poser).
Professor McGoggle - angry teacher, fond of getting irate at students who have sex in front of her. Inconsiderate bitch.
Snap (aka Snoop/Snipe/Snake) - Christian teacher. Former rocker who was kicked out of his band for being a preppy poser. Also a child-molester. And, not forgetting, a homosexual! He likes to get his thang on with...
Loopin (aka Lumpkin) - Snap's boyfriend. Also a child-molester and voyeur. Both Loopin and Snap get sent to Azerbaijan for this. Then they come back.
Vlodemot (aka Voldemort/Voldemint/Volxemort/the Bark Lord) - Villain who wants to kill Draco (motive unexplained). What is known is that he reads people's minds via telekinesis. Oh, and he was once a rocker before he became outed as a preppy poser.
TomMarvolo Riddle Satan Bombodil - Vlodemot, as he was in the 1980s. A sexy goff teenager. Enoby goes back in time to have sex with him. Please don't ask how/why.
Snaketail - 16 yr-old Vlodemot lackie who tortures Draco and promptly begs Enoby for sex.
Professor Sinister (aka Professor Sinatra) - half-Japanese goff teacher who becomes a drug addict (I think). Naturally she's one of the heroes.
Professor Trevolry - I was very confused here. According to others, Trevolry is interchangeable with Sinister/Sinatra (see above). Difficult to tell.
Hermione B'loody Mary Smith - vampire, goff, Satanist, you know the deal by now. Which is why Hermione changed her name and became a Slytherin. She speaks Japanese. Sometimes. Badly.
Hargid (aka Hairgrid) - student in House Slytherin (because he's a Satanist, etc.) Also a sex-pest.
Mr Norris - school janitor, has a cat named Filth
Ron Diabolo Wesley - black hair, red eyes, yadayadayada, member of Slytherin. Became this way because his vampire father Mr Wesley sexually abused him and his siblings and committed suicide.
Jenny Wesley (aka Darkness)- Diabolo Wesley's sister. See above, story the same.
Crab Wesley and Goyle Wesley - twin brothers of Diabolo and Jenny/Darkness Wesley.
Nevel (aka Dracula) - His parents (vampire, natch) were killed in a car-crash, leading him to become black haired Satanic Slytherin, et al.
Cornelia Fuck - Mystery of Magic. Yes, you read that correctly. And it's a "he".
Doris Rumbridge - banishes Professor Sinister to Azerbaijan. For being a goff.
Serious Blak (aka Spartacus/Severus/Serifs) - Vampire Potter's goff dogfather. Yes, dogfather. Part of the goff band which abolished Snap for being a preppy poser.
James Somaro Potter - Vampire Potter's father. Part of goff band w/Serious & Snap. Is named for the ghost in The Ring. Yeah.
Lucian (aka Lucan) - Also part of above band. Possibly Draco's father. Had his arm shot clean off by Somaro Potter (they remained friends).
Hedwig - Vlodemot's ex-boyfriend. Yeah.
Dobby - Voyeur, enjoys watching Snap and Loopin shag.
At this point you might be thinking that Ms Tara Gilesbie could do with rereading the books. Actually, she freely admitted in OOC comments that she'd never read them at all!
She'd watched a couple of the films and the rest of the information came from her friend Raven, who also proof-read for her. After the first several chapters the two had a bad falling out which led to the author having no accurate information and no-one to spellcheck. Raven came back on board eventually, but the relationship was obviously rocky. Tara's OOC comments (and transparently-insincere apology for stealing a poster from her) prove that.
The mind-numbing (albeit hilarious) godawfulness of My Immortal has led many readers to question if the "story" is the work of a troll, deliberately subverting the fan-fiction genre.
My pet theory is that post-argument, Raven fed Tara false information regarding characters and spelling, leading to standards declining from dire to earth-shatteringly abysmal. It is worth noting that a number of fanfic authors have tried parodying My Immortal and none have come anywhere close.
If you doubt the fame of My Immortal, just Google it. Hell, it's seen numerous readings and several animated adaptations on YouTube!
For example: My Immortal-The Movie parts 1, 2 and 3.
And to conclude, some choice quotes from the epic:
“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” - Professor McGoggle
“I hath telekinesis.” - Vlodemot
“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” - B'loody Mary
“BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!” - Hargid
“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” - Cornelia Fuck
“I want to shit next to her!” - Draco
“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” - Professor Sinister
“If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!” - Snap
“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight?" - Tom Satan Bombodil
“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!” - Professor Trevolry
“You fucking preppy fags!” - Serious Blak
“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” - Enoby
“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” - Britney
Tara, you are a bonafide internet legend and one of my heroes!
Thanks for the lulz!
ENOBY LIVES!
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"(sic) - Dumbledore
As detailed in this post, on 26 April I discovered the wondrous existence of "fan-fiction". This phenomenon seems to consist of crazed teenagers (I know, whodathunkit?) composing literary disasterpieces based on...well...anything, but usually cartoons, pro-wrestling, films and actual books.
Books like the Harry Potter series...
On 5 May 2010, I discovered My Immortal, the magnum opus of an author known only as Tara Gilesbie (30,800 hits on Google. I'm serious!).
My Immortal was placed on a popular fanfic website and received +10,000 reviews before being taken down because JK ROWLING THREATENED TO SUE!!!
If that's not a recommendation, nothing is!
It is kept alive here (contains MUCH strong language and extremely pathetic descriptions of sex) by Kthnxbai (who has my respect and gratitude for his/her commitment to preservation of culture).
The saga is not simply a Harry Potter fanfic. It actually has virtually nothing to do with Harry Potter, despite being set in Hogwarts and featuring numerous HP characters.
My Immortal is quite absolutely the most moronically written, fantastically nonsensical, ludicrously over-the-top, insanely misspelled, lunatic bullshit ever written in the history of humanity.
Consequently, it REEKS OF AWESOMENESS!!!
The story centres (in the most extreme sense of the word) on Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, best known as Enoby (sic). Enoby is a 17 year-old goff (sic). She is also a vampire, an emo, a self-harmer, a Satanist and a witch. Her favourite spells are Abra Kedabara (sic) and Crookshanks (sic). She cries tears of blood. She sleeps in a coffin. She has a fetish for gay men.
So of course she attends Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, to be with other young personages like herself.
I'm actually serious...! This version of Hogwarts is populated almost entirely by youngsters who are also simultaneously goffs, vampires, emos, self-harmers and Satanists who get off on watching young men have sex with each other. And these are the good guys!
The exceptions are House Grifindoor (sic), who are preppy posers and don't know the lyrics to Good Charlotte songs. I have no idea what that actually means, but it doesn't matter because the only Grifindoor mentioned is a girl called Britney (apparently the author's real-life nemesis). She is BAD. Well... she's blonde, anyway. And a clueless, preppy poser!
Plot?
Everything revolves around the main character Tara Gilesbie....er....Enoby.
No effort is spared in making sure we know the precise details of Enoby's outfit (which changes frequently, albeit not greatly).
All the good guys dress in exactly the same style. Because they're all goffs. Yeah.
They also listen to goff music. Like My Chemical Romance, Good Charlotte, Linkin Park and Marilyn Manson. Yeah.
As alluded to, clueless posers are roundly condemned in this story. Yeah.
Aside from this, things are a little sketchy.
Enoby goes to
There are also strange subplots involving suicide,
In addition, there are many, many, many Out Of Character (OOC) comments from Tara aimed at the numerous detractors her story had. There is even an instance of an addition being made by a hacker (which Tara left in the story, perhaps because it greatly improved the prose for a chapter)
As you've doubtless ascertained, we're not in Kansas any more. These are the supporting characters who feature in My Immortal:
Draco (aka Darko/Drace) - black hair, red eyes, bisexual, goff. Paranoid. Pussy. Cries constantly. Commits suicide at one point (and comes back to life). Drives a flying Mercedes Benz with a 666 license plate. Actually that's kinda kewl... He is in a permanent love triangle with Enoby and...
Albert Dumbledore (aka Dumblydor/Dumbledork/Dumblydum) - angry teacher (see quote at top of page). Wears a robe bearing the motif "Avril Lavigne". Preppy poser. Paints the Great Hall pink. Then paints it black to prove how emo he is (because he's a preppy poser).
Professor McGoggle - angry teacher, fond of getting irate at students who have sex in front of her. Inconsiderate bitch.
Snap (aka Snoop/Snipe/Snake) - Christian teacher. Former rocker who was kicked out of his band for being a preppy poser. Also a child-molester. And, not forgetting, a homosexual! He likes to get his thang on with...
Loopin (aka Lumpkin) - Snap's boyfriend. Also a child-molester and voyeur. Both Loopin and Snap get sent to Azerbaijan for this. Then they come back.
Vlodemot (aka Voldemort/Voldemint/Volxemort/the Bark Lord) - Villain who wants to kill Draco (motive unexplained). What is known is that he reads people's minds via telekinesis. Oh, and he was once a rocker before he became outed as a preppy poser.
Tom
Snaketail - 16 yr-old Vlodemot lackie who tortures Draco and promptly begs Enoby for sex.
Professor Sinister (aka Professor Sinatra) - half-Japanese goff teacher who becomes a drug addict (I think). Naturally she's one of the heroes.
Professor Trevolry - I was very confused here. According to others, Trevolry is interchangeable with Sinister/Sinatra (see above). Difficult to tell.
Hargid (aka Hairgrid) - student in House Slytherin (because he's a Satanist, etc.) Also a sex-pest.
Mr Norris - school janitor, has a cat named Filth
Jenny Wesley (aka Darkness)- Diabolo Wesley's sister. See above, story the same.
Crab Wesley and Goyle Wesley - twin brothers of Diabolo and Jenny/Darkness Wesley.
Nevel (aka Dracula) - His parents (vampire, natch) were killed in a car-crash, leading him to become black haired Satanic Slytherin, et al.
Cornelia Fuck - Mystery of Magic. Yes, you read that correctly. And it's a "he".
Doris Rumbridge - banishes Professor Sinister to Azerbaijan. For being a goff.
Serious Blak (aka Spartacus/Severus/Serifs) - Vampire Potter's goff dogfather. Yes, dogfather. Part of the goff band which abolished Snap for being a preppy poser.
Lucian (aka Lucan) - Also part of above band. Possibly Draco's father. Had his arm shot clean off by Somaro Potter (they remained friends).
Hedwig - Vlodemot's ex-boyfriend. Yeah.
Dobby - Voyeur, enjoys watching Snap and Loopin shag.
At this point you might be thinking that Ms Tara Gilesbie could do with rereading the books. Actually, she freely admitted in OOC comments that she'd never read them at all!
She'd watched a couple of the films and the rest of the information came from her friend Raven, who also proof-read for her. After the first several chapters the two had a bad falling out which led to the author having no accurate information and no-one to spellcheck. Raven came back on board eventually, but the relationship was obviously rocky. Tara's OOC comments (and transparently-insincere apology for stealing a poster from her) prove that.
The mind-numbing (albeit hilarious) godawfulness of My Immortal has led many readers to question if the "story" is the work of a troll, deliberately subverting the fan-fiction genre.
My pet theory is that post-argument, Raven fed Tara false information regarding characters and spelling, leading to standards declining from dire to earth-shatteringly abysmal. It is worth noting that a number of fanfic authors have tried parodying My Immortal and none have come anywhere close.
If you doubt the fame of My Immortal, just Google it. Hell, it's seen numerous readings and several animated adaptations on YouTube!
For example: My Immortal-The Movie parts 1, 2 and 3.
And to conclude, some choice quotes from the epic:
“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” - Professor McGoggle
“I hath telekinesis.” - Vlodemot
“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” - B'loody Mary
“BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!” - Hargid
“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” - Cornelia Fuck
“I want to shit next to her!” - Draco
“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” - Professor Sinister
“If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!” - Snap
“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight?" - Tom Satan Bombodil
“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!” - Professor Trevolry
“You fucking preppy fags!” - Serious Blak
“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” - Enoby
“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” - Britney
Tara, you are a bonafide internet legend and one of my heroes!
Thanks for the lulz!
ENOBY LIVES!
Friday 7 May 2010
Retards Of Our Planet (Part 2)
Politician: "allowing same-sex marriages will encourage bestiality"
Republican (surprise, surprise) former Congressman, and potential future Senator for Arizona, J.D. Hayworth, made the news by claiming that a Massachusetts law allowing same-sex marriage could lead to a man legally marrying a horse.
Reported here.
And he defended his claim!
Reported here.
Republican (surprise, surprise) former Congressman, and potential future Senator for Arizona, J.D. Hayworth, made the news by claiming that a Massachusetts law allowing same-sex marriage could lead to a man legally marrying a horse.
Reported here.
And he defended his claim!
Reported here.
Thursday 6 May 2010
Retards Of Our Planet (Part 1)
Example #1 - Dumbfuck Republican (illustrated)
Well, he IS correct. But first some knowledge.
The term Czar (spelled Tsar in the UK) has absolutely FUCK ALL to do with communism.
In Russia the word (derived from Latin, Caesar) was used for their hereditary monarchs.
In America the word czar is a term used to refer to high-ranking civil servants, and is used solely as a shorthand by the media as a means of shortening official titles of these advisors/directors/envoys/etc.
The term has been thus used for +90 years in the USA.
Hardly a new-fangled phrase that somebody could easily misconstrue. Unless they were a RIGHT-WING MONGOLOID.
Oh yeah, and which US President has been responsible for the biggest increase in appointment of "czars" during his administration? Why, that would be the boy-wonder, DUBYA! But you don't see this shitstick complaining about that.
But now for the kicker, that really shows that the RETARDED REPUBLICAN FUCK knows precisely JACK SHIT.
The last Russian Tsar/Czar, Nicholas II, was overthrown in the Russian Revolution in 1917, meaning that the USSR has never had even a SINGLE Tsar/Czar.
Because AUTOCRACY is not able to coexist with COMMUNISM. Of course anyone who wasn't an UNEDUCATED DUMBFUCK would know this.
By the way, the USSR no longer exists.
So to recap for the benefit of stupid people, THE FACT THAT BARACK OBAMA HAS ADVISORS DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE IS A COMMUNIST!
THE COLD WAR HAS ENDED! THE USSR IS NO MORE! RUSSIANS ARE NOT TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! THEY NEVER WERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!
Try getting a fucking education before making a placard.
Rant over.
Example #2 - Star Wars fans
Wishing we could have a lightsabre battle! We've all been there, some of us have done it (albeit with plastic versions). I still have the purple lightsabre I bought in a fit of drunkenness after watching Attack Of The Clones.
However, for two fans this was not enough.
So they filled fluorescent light tubes with petrol, ignited them and went to work.
Don't worry. They're still alive! <-- BBC website
I shall return to this topic.
Retards, not lightsabres, although actually I might talk about them some more in the future. Lightsabres are good.
Saturday 1 May 2010
The Iron Sheik will make you HUMBLE!
To humble (third-person singular simple present "humbles", present participle "humbling", simple past and past participle "humbled")
1. To bring low; to reduce the power, independence, or exaltation of; to lower; to abase; to humiliate.
Here, take this purse, thou whom the heaven's plagues have humbled to all strokes. -Shak.
The genius which humbled six marshals of France. -Macaulay.
2. To make humble or lowly in mind; to abase the pride or arrogance of; to reduce the self-sufficiency of; to make meek and submissive; -- often used reflexively.
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you.
1 Pet. v. 6.
3. To cripple and anally violate.
Suplex him, put him in the Camel Clutch, break his back and then fuck his ass to make him HUMBLE! -Iron Sheik
The Iron Sheik (Khosrow Hossein Vaziri) was once one of professional wrestling's great villains - a twirly-mustached, twirly-booted beast intent on destroying America in the name of the Ayatollah! But that was then.
Nowadays he is an internationally-beloved fan favourite, recipient of the Nobel Prize for Physics, Harvard professor and role-model for young children. This amazing transformation has been carried out via a unique and curious modus operandae: issuing threats of sodomy.
The legendary "Iron Sheik Goes Nuts" video (OVER 18s ONLY!) has received (at current time) nearly 1 million views on YouTube and has been invaluable in portraying the Iron Sheik's commitment to law, order and respect as well as his strong belief in the merits of countering egotism with anal rape.
In addition, Sheiky (as he is known to his friends) has issued similar overtures of buggery to such diverse personages as Michael Richards (Kramer, you broke my fucking heart! I'm gonna fuck your ass to make you humble!) and Terrence "Hulk Hogan" Bollea (I should have fucked his ass!).
As we shall see, the Iron Sheik has not limited his non-consensual (yet diplomatic) butt-banditry to such miscreants as these. Examine these quotes if ya will!
BBC News: Oscar-winning director Peter Jackson said he was "incredibly humbled" after being made a Knight Companion of the New Zealand Order of Merit.
(editor's note: this was to punish him for having Elves at Helm's Deep)
ESPN: Jimmy Clausen seemed humble after his first NFL workout. It was a trait often missing during a career that started as a high school phenom in California and continued when he went 16-18 as a three-year starter with the Fighting Irish.
(editor's note: I bet Sheiky gave him a workout to remember!)
The Guardian: Barack Obama 'surprised' and 'humbled' by Nobel peace prize.
(editor's note: Iron Sheik musta used it as a dildo)
Daily Mail: Magpies humbled as fans jeer 'hated' Ashley and call for Shearer to return.
(editor's note: even birds are not safe)
MTV: Lady Gaga 'Humbled' By Madonna Coming To Her Show.
(editor's note: Madonna humbled her? Damn. If I'd known Sheiky was contracting out humblings then I would have volunteered. At least for this job!)
Irish Times: Ireland humbled by blinkered hubris, says President.
(editor's note: holy shit! He did it to an entire country!)
Let this be a salutary lesson.
If the Iron Sheik can do it to them, why then he can do it to YOU!
Friday 30 April 2010
The Strange Case Of Fray Tormenta (pt 2)
Continued from Part 1!
Surprisingly, it took 3 years for the Catholic Church to catch on to the fact that a Dominican priest was moonlighting as a masked superhero in arenas across Mexico.
GutiΓ©rrez's superior, Bishop Torreblanca, finally contacted him requesting help in identifying the mysterious Wrestling Priest.
Upon discovering the truth the Bishop predictably ordered a cessation of grappling proclivities.
GutiΓ©rrez's response? Fine, I'll stop. I'll also come by every week to pick up your donation to the orphanage.
The Bishop's response? Okay, you can keep on wrestling!
Fray Tormenta's wrestling career continued to be his primary means of funding his orphanage and the resulting publicity had the benefit of increasing donations from the public.
Within the ring, the predominantly devout Catholic audiences of Mexico were rabid in their support of the Wrestling Priest, which caused much anxiety for his opponents who risked public lynching if they were seen to be acting too despicably during matches. Backstage GutiΓ©rrez became a councillor to other luchadores, even hearing their confessions and once marrying a couple inside the ring. All without removing his mask!
Fray Tormenta retired from the grappling game in 2000 but continues to run his church and orphanage to this day, which has apparently produced a priest, two accountants, three doctors, seven lawyers, sixteen teachers and twenty computer technicians as well as a young luchador who has adopted la mascara under the name Fray Tormenta Junior (who is also a graduate in criminal law - education first!). Tormenta (Sr) has appeared in lucha libre post-retirement, mostly in the role of mentor to CMLL star Mistico.
In addition to Nacho Libre and a Jean Reno film L'Homme au masque d'or, GutiΓ©rrez/Fray Tormenta has also been the prototype for several video game characters ("King" from the Tekken series, "Greco" from Chrono Cross and "Tizoc" from Fatal Fury) as well as the titular hero of the Japanese anime Tiger Mask, which itself has become the most famous gimmick in puroresu (Japanese professional wrestling) with four different wrestlers coming to fame portraying the masked do-gooder.
God indeed moves in mysterious ways!
All words my own
Photo at top of page (c) SLAM! Sports
The Strange Case Of Fray Tormenta (pt 1)
How a Mexican tearaway became a man of God, was trained as a wrestler, founded an orphanage and inspired 2 films, an anime and several video game characters!
Anno domini 2006 saw the release of a Jack Black comedy movie resplendent in the name Nacho Libre.
The title presumably confused the shit out of a lorra folks as it badly translates into English as "Free Nacho" (I'm undecided as to whether this was deliberate).
However, the sophisticates among us (i.e. SMARKS!) would instantly have recognised the reference to lucha libre ("free fight" or, more accurately, "freestyle fighting"), the Mexican form of professional wrestling.
The film's bizarre premise is that the main character, a monk, becomes a luchador (professional wrestler) in order to raise money for the orphanage at which he works.
What is more bizarre is that the film is based on a true story...
Sergio GutiΓ©rrez BenΓtez was born into poverty in Mexico City, the 15th of 17 children. As a youngster he busked, sold ice lollies and cobbled together furniture in order to survive. He also discovered alcohol and drugs.
It was during this phase of substance abuse that GutiΓ©rrez apparently had a hallucination in which he saw himself as a priest delivering communion in church. So inspired was the young man by the vision that he promptly went cold turkey (he has claimed the detox process took 72 hours, during which he was strapped to a bed) and joined a seminary of the Dominican Order. He was ordained in 1973 having travelled to Spain and, of course, Rome.
After a period of time spent teaching history and philosophy in Mexican colleges GutiΓ©rrez settled in Texcoco (25 km NE of Mexico City) and, remembering his roots, began taking in abandoned children (at first in secret).
His cash-strapped superiors refused to grant him the money required to set up a proper orphanage to house the strays leaving the young priest with a problem. And, as a childhood fan of lucha libre who had observed the huge success of Mohammed Ali, he had the perfect solution. Become a professional wrestler to raise funds!
After months of training from a sympathetic luchador, the newly-named Fray Tormenta (Friar Storm), the Wrestling Priest, was ready to debut. In the Mexican tradition Tormenta would wear a mask (coloured gold for divinity and red for the blood of self-sacrifice) that would also serve the purpose of concealing his identity from the Catholic Church.
GutiΓ©rrez imagined he would set the world on fire and make a million-or-so in one year, enough to retire from the ring and build the mother of all orphanages.
His first paypacket was approximately 20 bucks... He was in for the long haul.
Continues in Part 2
Tuesday 27 April 2010
5 Things To Do In Plymouth When You're Drunk
Numero Uno: Find Alternative Methods For Keeping Alcohol Cool
Numero Dos: Drive A Motorbike Through Your Lounge
Numero Tres: Ogle Boobs
Numero Cuatro: Allow An Equally Drunk Woman To Style Your Hair
Numero Cinco: Smoke Cigars With Bender
Notes:
Numero Uno: effective, and recommended to all.
Numero Dos: Slawek (the driver) crashed into the wall.
Numero Tres: she said I could.
Numero Cuatro: it was better than the time Mika and Scarah forced me to wear bunches.
Numero Cinco: it's amazing who you can meet in the Fortescue Hotel.
Monday 26 April 2010
Unintentionally Terrifying Wrestling Fanfiction
Following on from my previous post containing reviews of comedic wrestling fanfiction, here is a piece of writing that is impossible to find humourous.
The story uses the names (and physical appearances) of professional wrestling characters but is entirely a work of fiction by its authors and is not published for profit.
Suburban Suicide - A truly TERRIFYING story. I shit you not.
Synopsis: makeup-wearing, drug-dealing, alcoholic teenager Randy Orton flees the physical and sexual abuse he suffers at the hands of his parents and goes on the run with his boyfriend Cody Rhodes and their maladaptive friends, including heroin-addicted prostitute Ashley Massaro and sociopathic pyromaniac Jeff Hardy, who has just murdered his own parents and elder brother. The group of buddies, all psychologically traumatised, form a dysfunctional family and travel about committing crimes (they steal and inflict violence with utter complacency) whilst struggling to come to terms with their deep and numerous issues.
This story was apparently inspired by Green Day's "American Idiot" (I'm afraid to ask how). Quite simply the most disturbing story I have read in ages. Dark, bleak, at times almost casually brutal.
The most sympathetic character, Randy, is also in many ways the most unpleasant, a young gang leader caught in flux between status as a abuser and abused.
Cody is the classic "Luke Skywalker" archetype - good boy, good family, did well at school - the twist being that he is Randy's lover as well as his protege.
Evan, who blames himself for the accidental death of his older sister, is the backbone of the group (even if Randy is portrayed as the leader) and appears to be almost a substitute father for the main character, although the two are a similar age.
Jeff has shotgunned his entire family because he feared catching a beating for being a bad example to his brother Matt. Out of the whole group he is the least emotional, almost catatonic at times, and casually mentions that he is completely capable of committing murder.
Ashley? A homeless teenage crackwhore who is on a mission to be reunited with her infant daughter, removed from her by a court order.
Ted is somewhat of a mystery, supposedly from a perfect background, although it is hinted that his parents neglect him and that he has had his heart broken by a female cousin.
With the exception of Cody, the entire group are sexually promiscuous, smoke, abuse alcohol and indulge in everything from cannabis to crystal meth. Hell, their pre-runaway hideout was formerly used by a paedophile ring!
Could things honestly get any more grim...???
On a more positive note, the entire group are acceptive of Randy and Cody's homosexual relationship, with Evan being especially supportive. Also, they all have a curiously hopeful attitude, a assumption that things will turn out okay in the end, especially considering the apparent hopelessness of their lives and situation. Make no mistake, the characters are ALL victims, and seem to realise it (at least to an extent). Of course, breaking the cycle of abuse is often easier said than done.
This story is still a work in progress. And, as you see, it has inspired me to write a moderately in-depth analysis (at least for a blog!). The writing itself is not the stuff of Shakespeare, but it has heart and tackles some extremely unpleasant issues. It provoked a reaction from me, which is what creative writing is supposed to do. I'm quite eager to see how the story pans out.
Bear in mind that initially I only read it to make fun of it. Obviously, things did not turned out the way I anticipated.
And for that, I have much respect for the authors, Bob1097 and Neurotic-Idealist
The story uses the names (and physical appearances) of professional wrestling characters but is entirely a work of fiction by its authors and is not published for profit.
Suburban Suicide - A truly TERRIFYING story. I shit you not.
Synopsis: makeup-wearing, drug-dealing, alcoholic teenager Randy Orton flees the physical and sexual abuse he suffers at the hands of his parents and goes on the run with his boyfriend Cody Rhodes and their maladaptive friends, including heroin-addicted prostitute Ashley Massaro and sociopathic pyromaniac Jeff Hardy, who has just murdered his own parents and elder brother. The group of buddies, all psychologically traumatised, form a dysfunctional family and travel about committing crimes (they steal and inflict violence with utter complacency) whilst struggling to come to terms with their deep and numerous issues.
This story was apparently inspired by Green Day's "American Idiot" (I'm afraid to ask how). Quite simply the most disturbing story I have read in ages. Dark, bleak, at times almost casually brutal.
The most sympathetic character, Randy, is also in many ways the most unpleasant, a young gang leader caught in flux between status as a abuser and abused.
Cody is the classic "Luke Skywalker" archetype - good boy, good family, did well at school - the twist being that he is Randy's lover as well as his protege.
Evan, who blames himself for the accidental death of his older sister, is the backbone of the group (even if Randy is portrayed as the leader) and appears to be almost a substitute father for the main character, although the two are a similar age.
Jeff has shotgunned his entire family because he feared catching a beating for being a bad example to his brother Matt. Out of the whole group he is the least emotional, almost catatonic at times, and casually mentions that he is completely capable of committing murder.
Ashley? A homeless teenage crackwhore who is on a mission to be reunited with her infant daughter, removed from her by a court order.
Ted is somewhat of a mystery, supposedly from a perfect background, although it is hinted that his parents neglect him and that he has had his heart broken by a female cousin.
With the exception of Cody, the entire group are sexually promiscuous, smoke, abuse alcohol and indulge in everything from cannabis to crystal meth. Hell, their pre-runaway hideout was formerly used by a paedophile ring!
Could things honestly get any more grim...???
On a more positive note, the entire group are acceptive of Randy and Cody's homosexual relationship, with Evan being especially supportive. Also, they all have a curiously hopeful attitude, a assumption that things will turn out okay in the end, especially considering the apparent hopelessness of their lives and situation. Make no mistake, the characters are ALL victims, and seem to realise it (at least to an extent). Of course, breaking the cycle of abuse is often easier said than done.
This story is still a work in progress. And, as you see, it has inspired me to write a moderately in-depth analysis (at least for a blog!). The writing itself is not the stuff of Shakespeare, but it has heart and tackles some extremely unpleasant issues. It provoked a reaction from me, which is what creative writing is supposed to do. I'm quite eager to see how the story pans out.
Bear in mind that initially I only read it to make fun of it. Obviously, things did not turned out the way I anticipated.
And for that, I have much respect for the authors, Bob1097 and Neurotic-Idealist
Unintentionally Hilarious Wrestling Fanfiction Part 1
I found this fanfiction website (fanfiction.net) accidentally whilst googling a minor Hart family member. Fanfiction is new to me. I was instantly horrified/intrigued by the premise that internet writers would create their own (usually bizaare) stories featuring actual professional wrestlers in odd (frequently sexual) situations.
Here are brief plotline reviews of some unintentionally hilarious ones.
Links provided to the full stories, but be warned! Some of the written material on the site is sexually explicit and potentially offensive. If in doubt, don't visit the site. I've suffered for your sins by reading this crap, you don't have to suffer yourself. (Wow, I feel like such a Messiah now!)
Til A Death Do Us Part - Batista and Rey Misterio Jr (I refuse to use WWE's spelling) are gay lovers. Batista is extremely protective of his territory (Rey-Rey's Mexican ass) and is revealed to have murdered Randy Orton to prevent him stealing the diminutive luchador's convivial cornhole. Presumably he then walked a mile inside Oscar's Pit Of Danger.
Life Is Good - Triple H ruminates on his 16-year romance with Shawn Michaels. Not hugely comedic, but I laughed for ages after misreading a passage as "To see his sparkling blue eyes when he woke up in the morning, to hear his laugh whenever he pissed in the hallway"... Immaturity FTW! But let's face it, their Clique buddy Sean Waltman probably pisses in the hallway and shits on the ceiling every morning, so you can understand my error.
Mickie James Tribute (poem/song) - the lyrics are actually better than 99% of WWE's theme music, but does Mickie James really deserve heartfelt tributes? (WrestleCrap actually did a special radio show for Blade Braxton to cry about her) She aint dead! She's just Future Endeavoured! Ahhh, I never liked her much anyway, and was quite put off by the pics of her sticking her fingers up her meaty you-know-what.
Hero By Night - Description: "By day, he is Mark Calaway, simple mechanic. But by night, he becomes the supernatural vigilante known to the world as the Undertaker. Now, he faces an enemy who has a sinister plan to destroy him, and take his city with him."
Too bad that currently there is only a cast-list, because this sounds freakin' awesome! How can you possibly beat a supernatural mechanic taking on Boogeyman, Gangrel, Daffney, Mordecai and PAPA SHANGO??!! I would pay to see this concept made into a film!!!
Having said that, is the author the only fan in the world NOT to know about Michelle McKoolaid? And Mideon being already dead just plain sucks.
Maryse Meets the Deadman - Maryse is sick of violently possessive Randy Orton (who seems to be a fanfic favourite) so she shags Undertaker (Michelle McKoolaid is NOT a fanfic favourite).
What made me chuckle was the mental image of the Undertaker in BOXER SHORTS! That and the fact that after the Man From The Darkside was thru with the French Canadian Beauty Queen they "licked up all the juices that was there"! Badly Written Zombie Porn FTW! I was less impressed by the inaccuracy of description when it came to Maryse's breasts (and I have enjoyed enjoying her Playboy pics, so I know my shit). "Perky"? Agreed, they are perky (silicone represent yo!). But "Huge"...? Nahhh, kiddo, those aren't huge. Trust me. I've had sex at least... hmmmm.... well, more times than you!!
Stolen Love - All is not well in the Land of Raw! Undertaker and Kane lead the peasants in resistance (sadly without the aid of Sly, Con-man & Boner Boy) against the evil Prince Kurt! Undertaker's daughter Maria has been kidnapped to become the sex-slave of Arch-Duke Randy Orton! Lita gets raped by Kurt Angle! I'm not making any of this up!!!
Mating Season - Jeff Hardy is a GAY WEREWOLF!!! What is more, he wants to rape, murder and eat his own brother Matt along with Matt's gay boyfriend Adam Copeland! "The Hardy Show" just got taken to the EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME! (on a serious note, this story contains graphic descriptions of sex, don't visit unless you are over 18 and really want to)
Why is there so much male homosexuality in these things?
I want to read stories about comely lesbian Divas botching foreplay and breaking their clavicles whilst attempting the 69!
I guess I'll have to keep reading. And updating my blog with what I find!
Here are brief plotline reviews of some unintentionally hilarious ones.
Links provided to the full stories, but be warned! Some of the written material on the site is sexually explicit and potentially offensive. If in doubt, don't visit the site. I've suffered for your sins by reading this crap, you don't have to suffer yourself. (Wow, I feel like such a Messiah now!)
Til A Death Do Us Part - Batista and Rey Misterio Jr (I refuse to use WWE's spelling) are gay lovers. Batista is extremely protective of his territory (Rey-Rey's Mexican ass) and is revealed to have murdered Randy Orton to prevent him stealing the diminutive luchador's convivial cornhole. Presumably he then walked a mile inside Oscar's Pit Of Danger.
Life Is Good - Triple H ruminates on his 16-year romance with Shawn Michaels. Not hugely comedic, but I laughed for ages after misreading a passage as "To see his sparkling blue eyes when he woke up in the morning, to hear his laugh whenever he pissed in the hallway"... Immaturity FTW! But let's face it, their Clique buddy Sean Waltman probably pisses in the hallway and shits on the ceiling every morning, so you can understand my error.
Mickie James Tribute (poem/song) - the lyrics are actually better than 99% of WWE's theme music, but does Mickie James really deserve heartfelt tributes? (WrestleCrap actually did a special radio show for Blade Braxton to cry about her) She aint dead! She's just Future Endeavoured! Ahhh, I never liked her much anyway, and was quite put off by the pics of her sticking her fingers up her meaty you-know-what.
Hero By Night - Description: "By day, he is Mark Calaway, simple mechanic. But by night, he becomes the supernatural vigilante known to the world as the Undertaker. Now, he faces an enemy who has a sinister plan to destroy him, and take his city with him."
Too bad that currently there is only a cast-list, because this sounds freakin' awesome! How can you possibly beat a supernatural mechanic taking on Boogeyman, Gangrel, Daffney, Mordecai and PAPA SHANGO??!! I would pay to see this concept made into a film!!!
Having said that, is the author the only fan in the world NOT to know about Michelle McKoolaid? And Mideon being already dead just plain sucks.
Maryse Meets the Deadman - Maryse is sick of violently possessive Randy Orton (who seems to be a fanfic favourite) so she shags Undertaker (Michelle McKoolaid is NOT a fanfic favourite).
What made me chuckle was the mental image of the Undertaker in BOXER SHORTS! That and the fact that after the Man From The Darkside was thru with the French Canadian Beauty Queen they "licked up all the juices that was there"! Badly Written Zombie Porn FTW! I was less impressed by the inaccuracy of description when it came to Maryse's breasts (and I have enjoyed enjoying her Playboy pics, so I know my shit). "Perky"? Agreed, they are perky (silicone represent yo!). But "Huge"...? Nahhh, kiddo, those aren't huge. Trust me. I've had sex at least... hmmmm.... well, more times than you!!
Stolen Love - All is not well in the Land of Raw! Undertaker and Kane lead the peasants in resistance (sadly without the aid of Sly, Con-man & Boner Boy) against the evil Prince Kurt! Undertaker's daughter Maria has been kidnapped to become the sex-slave of Arch-Duke Randy Orton! Lita gets raped by Kurt Angle! I'm not making any of this up!!!
Mating Season - Jeff Hardy is a GAY WEREWOLF!!! What is more, he wants to rape, murder and eat his own brother Matt along with Matt's gay boyfriend Adam Copeland! "The Hardy Show" just got taken to the EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME! (on a serious note, this story contains graphic descriptions of sex, don't visit unless you are over 18 and really want to)
Why is there so much male homosexuality in these things?
I want to read stories about comely lesbian Divas botching foreplay and breaking their clavicles whilst attempting the 69!
I guess I'll have to keep reading. And updating my blog with what I find!
Sunday 25 April 2010
Who should YOU vote for in the UK General Election?
This flow chart (created by Benito Vasselini at b3ta.com) should help you, the British electorate, decide who to vote for in the forthcoming general election! If you're not British... uh... feel free to ignore this bit!
One final point on the LibDems: they will NOT force the United Kingdom to join the single European currency. They WILL give us, the people, the opportunity to vote in a referendum as to whether WE want to join it. As opposed to the Conservatives and Labour who will jackboot right over us.
Btw, do check out Benito's page (link at top of post). He has some pretty funny photoshops including "Brokeback Mountain" PS2 video game!
One final point on the LibDems: they will NOT force the United Kingdom to join the single European currency. They WILL give us, the people, the opportunity to vote in a referendum as to whether WE want to join it. As opposed to the Conservatives and Labour who will jackboot right over us.Btw, do check out Benito's page (link at top of post). He has some pretty funny photoshops including "Brokeback Mountain" PS2 video game!
Return of the Spack!
Return of the Spack indeed!
Devouring matchsticks and wearing a jockstrap in lieu of a hat is quite the 'in thing' this season, darling!
Nothing says "g-d up from the feet up" like a raincoat!
Devouring matchsticks and wearing a jockstrap in lieu of a hat is quite the 'in thing' this season, darling!
Anybody remember Mark Morrison, aka "The Mack"? Let’s start with his nickname. "The Mack"...? Did he imagine he was a raincoat? Perhaps he should have dubbed himself "The Cagoule" or maybe gone the whole hog and used the name "The Rohan Anorak With Gore-Tex Lining And Extra Pockets". Whichever way you look at it, he sounds like a trainspotter.
I never understood how he managed to attain the "bad-boy image" that he (supposedly) had. What did he do that was so bad/badd? (mofo!) I guess he was a bit of a twat, but if that was a hanging offence then the
I vaguely recall "Return Of The Mack" being released. (Was he taking it back to M&S to swap it for one in day-glo pink?) What puzzled me mightily was how somebody could be making a supposedly Big Return when, to the best of my knowledge, he'd never done a damn thing in the first place!
Perhaps this is my opportunity for fame and fortune, although Morrison seems to have achieved little of either.I could turn up at "Top Of The Pops" with a bunch of towering posse members (i.e. bodyguards hired to make me look cool), a fur coat (fuck PETA, this is my career we’re talking about) and omnipresent sunglasses (works for Edgar Davids) and say "Wagwan, I iz makin my Big Return innit, now give me a recordin contract befo I bust a cap in yo ass honky, I iz a BAD/BADD BOY (mofo!) and woz well famous befo, innit. If yu aint eard ov me it is becoz yu iz too white, innit."
TOTP would instantly cave in, put me on stage, Simon Fuller would give me shitloads of money and the world would be my lobster, Terry my son!
At least that is what could have happened if TOTP hadn't hired Fearne Cotton/Britton/whicheverthefuck, lost its audience and been cancelled. This is a lesson Radio One should heed. But that is a rant for another day.
Nothing says "g-d up from the feet up" like a raincoat!
Saturday 24 April 2010
Macho Madness!
An exclusive, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see photos from 2008 of me impersonating wrestling legend Macho Man Randy Savage! DIG IT! (If you've never heard of him then Google him, bah God! I can do his voice SO good, I swear!)
I should mention that I have since shaved off the beard and the hair. Medical professionals were required to remove the bandana and I'm not sure the sunglasses ever came off at all. Why is it so dark in here?
I should mention that I have since shaved off the beard and the hair. Medical professionals were required to remove the bandana and I'm not sure the sunglasses ever came off at all. Why is it so dark in here?
Now let me tell you something Hulk Hogan, uhhhh HUH....
I can be a gentleman if you leave me alone......
But if you mess with me, you're in the DANGER ZONE!
OOOOOOHHHH YEAHHHHH!!! DIG IT!!!!
Oooooohhh yeahhh indeed!
MAN? Check! MACHO? Check! SAVAGE? Clearly! RANDY??? Absolutely ladies! Form an orderly queue!
(what girl doesn't get moist for insane Englishmen who impersonate 1980s pro wrestlers? Hey, I toldja! I've shaved off the beard and the hair!)
I can be a gentleman if you leave me alone......
But if you mess with me, you're in the DANGER ZONE!OOOOOOHHHH YEAHHHHH!!! DIG IT!!!!
Oooooohhh yeahhh indeed!
MAN? Check! MACHO? Check! SAVAGE? Clearly! RANDY??? Absolutely ladies! Form an orderly queue!
(what girl doesn't get moist for insane Englishmen who impersonate 1980s pro wrestlers? Hey, I toldja! I've shaved off the beard and the hair!)
Heinz vs Co-Op: Salad Cream Showdown!
Heinz salad cream versus Co-Operative salad cream. Showdown Of The Century! And it is taking place right now. (IN THAT VERY RING! BAHHH GOD!)
Okay, so basically I have 12 chips (American eq. = French fries) on my plate and two bottles of salad cream made by rival companies, Heinz and the Co-Op. FYI, the Co-Op stuff has recently replaced the Somerfield own-brand version on the shelves of my local supermarket, due to the recent takeover. Has it been an improvement? We shall find out. First some knowledge to impart:
Salad cream is basically the lowbrow equivalent of mayonaisse. It is an unsophisticated condiment which is not possessed of a foreign name and can helpfully disguise careless burning of food. Yet the fact that its name contains the word "salad" enables to commoners who devour it to feel somewhat upwardly mobile.
I should explain here that I am mixed-class (a bit like being mixed-race but without the benefit of offending Nazis). My mother's family - middle class. My father's family - working class. Therefore I am entitled to eat both mayonaisse and salad cream. I am also entitled to pronounce words correctly and degenerate into frequent fits of swearing.
I shall be judging the competitors via the following rationale:
As you might have guessed, the Heinz one is more expensive. It's a brand name so they can get away with charging more for it. The First Rule Of Business is "charge the highest price the market can stand". The Second Rule Of Business is "always fuck the secretary if she weighs less than you", but that's hardly relevant to salad cream. I should mention here that Co-Op Salad Cream is slightly more expensive than the Somerfield product it replaced.
Victor: Co-Op
2: Ease Of Being Squeezed Out Of Bottle
An essential feature, as I'm sure you'll agree. I've sat through dinners in which the only joy to be derived was from squeezing the ketchup bottle whilst it made sounds reminiscent of a dysentry-afflicted bullfrog. The Ease Of Squeeze was in fact identical, but I had much fun testing this.
Victor: n/a (Draw)
3: Colour
The Heinz product exhibits a gentle, mildly yellow tinge to compliment it's creamy hue. Salad cream being the colour of cream (albeit a peroxide variety)? Whodathunkit?
But what is this?!?!
The Co-Op one is approximately equivalent in tone to Builder's Magnolia paint (the favourite of cheapskate landlords - i.e. ALL landlords). This is not good. I am afflicted by that bastard colour whenever I look at my walls. Or the walls of anyone else who rents accomodation. I don't want to see it on my goddamn plate. Co-Op - you FLUNKED the Dulux test!
Victor: Heinz
4: Appearance
Heinz product: looks smooth and creamy (sorry, I realise I am grossly overusing this word). In other words, it looks like you'd expect it to look. And that is a good thing. Surprises are rarely pleasant and especially not when it comes to condiments.
Co-Op product: It looks like wallpaper paste, turgid and gloopy (new words FTW!). This is the kind of thing that washes up on beaches in large quantities, clinging to the corpses of birds, fish, whales and drunken tourists who tried to swim through it. And it STILL appears to be the same colour as my walls.
Victor: Heinz
5: Taste
Ahhh, now I can finally dip my chips in it and savour the delights of an edible substance designed to make my food taste like something completely different.
The Heinz version tastes like salad cream. It just does! Imagine a sweet vinegary, creamy flavour with the consistancy of jizz. (or so I'd imagine. I wish to state at this point that NEVER has ANY jizz entered my mouth. Or any other part of my body.) Odd that such a revolting concept could taste so good when combined with strips of fried potato.
The Co-Op version however tastes FUCKING VILE! Holy guacamole! I've just remembered why I have TWO bottles of salad cream! The Heinz one was to replace the reprehensibly appalling Co-Op shit. Now one of my chips has been wasted as I've spat it over the floor. This does NOT taste like salad cream, it tastes like evil, rancid, congealed goat-milk-mixed-with-piss. I'm throwing it in the bin whilst trying not to throw up.
Victor: Heinz (its competition nearly made me barf, so an easy win there)
The Winner Of The 'Greatest Salad Cream In My Fridge' Trophy: HEINZ!!!!!
The Co-Operative salad cream has now been binned and will never be purchased again.
Okay, so basically I have 12 chips (American eq. = French fries) on my plate and two bottles of salad cream made by rival companies, Heinz and the Co-Op. FYI, the Co-Op stuff has recently replaced the Somerfield own-brand version on the shelves of my local supermarket, due to the recent takeover. Has it been an improvement? We shall find out. First some knowledge to impart:
Salad cream is basically the lowbrow equivalent of mayonaisse. It is an unsophisticated condiment which is not possessed of a foreign name and can helpfully disguise careless burning of food. Yet the fact that its name contains the word "salad" enables to commoners who devour it to feel somewhat upwardly mobile.
I should explain here that I am mixed-class (a bit like being mixed-race but without the benefit of offending Nazis). My mother's family - middle class. My father's family - working class. Therefore I am entitled to eat both mayonaisse and salad cream. I am also entitled to pronounce words correctly and degenerate into frequent fits of swearing.
I shall be judging the competitors via the following rationale:
- Cost
- Ease Of Being Squeezed Out Of Bottle
- Colour
- Appearance
- Taste
As you might have guessed, the Heinz one is more expensive. It's a brand name so they can get away with charging more for it. The First Rule Of Business is "charge the highest price the market can stand". The Second Rule Of Business is "always fuck the secretary if she weighs less than you", but that's hardly relevant to salad cream. I should mention here that Co-Op Salad Cream is slightly more expensive than the Somerfield product it replaced.
Victor: Co-Op
2: Ease Of Being Squeezed Out Of Bottle
An essential feature, as I'm sure you'll agree. I've sat through dinners in which the only joy to be derived was from squeezing the ketchup bottle whilst it made sounds reminiscent of a dysentry-afflicted bullfrog. The Ease Of Squeeze was in fact identical, but I had much fun testing this.
Victor: n/a (Draw)
3: Colour
The Heinz product exhibits a gentle, mildly yellow tinge to compliment it's creamy hue. Salad cream being the colour of cream (albeit a peroxide variety)? Whodathunkit?
But what is this?!?!
The Co-Op one is approximately equivalent in tone to Builder's Magnolia paint (the favourite of cheapskate landlords - i.e. ALL landlords). This is not good. I am afflicted by that bastard colour whenever I look at my walls. Or the walls of anyone else who rents accomodation. I don't want to see it on my goddamn plate. Co-Op - you FLUNKED the Dulux test!
Victor: Heinz
4: Appearance
Heinz product: looks smooth and creamy (sorry, I realise I am grossly overusing this word). In other words, it looks like you'd expect it to look. And that is a good thing. Surprises are rarely pleasant and especially not when it comes to condiments.
Co-Op product: It looks like wallpaper paste, turgid and gloopy (new words FTW!). This is the kind of thing that washes up on beaches in large quantities, clinging to the corpses of birds, fish, whales and drunken tourists who tried to swim through it. And it STILL appears to be the same colour as my walls.
Victor: Heinz
5: Taste
Ahhh, now I can finally dip my chips in it and savour the delights of an edible substance designed to make my food taste like something completely different.
The Heinz version tastes like salad cream. It just does! Imagine a sweet vinegary, creamy flavour with the consistancy of jizz. (or so I'd imagine. I wish to state at this point that NEVER has ANY jizz entered my mouth. Or any other part of my body.) Odd that such a revolting concept could taste so good when combined with strips of fried potato.
The Co-Op version however tastes FUCKING VILE! Holy guacamole! I've just remembered why I have TWO bottles of salad cream! The Heinz one was to replace the reprehensibly appalling Co-Op shit. Now one of my chips has been wasted as I've spat it over the floor. This does NOT taste like salad cream, it tastes like evil, rancid, congealed goat-milk-mixed-with-piss. I'm throwing it in the bin whilst trying not to throw up.
Victor: Heinz (its competition nearly made me barf, so an easy win there)
The Winner Of The 'Greatest Salad Cream In My Fridge' Trophy: HEINZ!!!!!
The Co-Operative salad cream has now been binned and will never be purchased again.
My Inaugural Post!
Even the universe had to begin somewhere and this blog (I hate the word already) is no different.
And please don't send me messages about God creating jam in three days (Eddie Izzard represent yo!) or the possibilities of the universe being in some kind of never-ending loop.
Having said that (and possibly damned myself), as this is my first post and nobody knows this blog (arghh) exists except Me and Mr Google (coming to an adult video store near you), I won't get any messages at all unless I send them to myself. Which begs the question: is emailing yourself more/less crazy than talking to yourself? Is it just technologically-advanced, futuristic insanity? (and if so, is that "cool" or "nerdy"?) Or am I just blabbering to waste time while my dinner heats up in the oven?
Well, that's about it for my first post. I had to get it out of the way as quickly as possible so I could progress more quickly onto talking about deep subjects like politics, philosophy and professional wrestling (the Three Peas!).
Adios muchachas (I have no idea what that means)
And please don't send me messages about God creating jam in three days (Eddie Izzard represent yo!) or the possibilities of the universe being in some kind of never-ending loop.
Having said that (and possibly damned myself), as this is my first post and nobody knows this blog (arghh) exists except Me and Mr Google (coming to an adult video store near you), I won't get any messages at all unless I send them to myself. Which begs the question: is emailing yourself more/less crazy than talking to yourself? Is it just technologically-advanced, futuristic insanity? (and if so, is that "cool" or "nerdy"?) Or am I just blabbering to waste time while my dinner heats up in the oven?
Well, that's about it for my first post. I had to get it out of the way as quickly as possible so I could progress more quickly onto talking about deep subjects like politics, philosophy and professional wrestling (the Three Peas!).
Adios muchachas (I have no idea what that means)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
