The Strange Case Of Fray Tormenta (pt 2)

Continued from Part 1!

Surprisingly, it took 3 years for the Catholic Church to catch on to the fact that a Dominican priest was moonlighting as a masked superhero in arenas across Mexico.

Gutiérrez's superior, Bishop Torreblanca, finally contacted him requesting help in identifying the mysterious Wrestling Priest.
Upon discovering the truth the Bishop predictably ordered a cessation of grappling proclivities.

Gutiérrez's response? Fine, I'll stop. I'll also come by every week to pick up your donation to the orphanage.
The Bishop's response? Okay, you can keep on wrestling!

Fray Tormenta's wrestling career continued to be his primary means of funding his orphanage and the resulting publicity had the benefit of increasing donations from the public.

Within the ring, the predominantly devout Catholic audiences of Mexico were rabid in their support of the Wrestling Priest, which caused much anxiety for his opponents who risked public lynching if they were seen to be acting too despicably during matches. Backstage Gutiérrez became a councillor to other luchadores, even hearing their confessions and once marrying a couple inside the ring. All without removing his mask!

Fray Tormenta retired from the grappling game in 2000 but continues to run his church and orphanage to this day, which has apparently produced a priest, two accountants, three doctors, seven lawyers, sixteen teachers and twenty computer technicians as well as a young luchador who has adopted la mascara under the name Fray Tormenta Junior (who is also a graduate in criminal law - education first!). Tormenta (Sr) has appeared in lucha libre post-retirement, mostly in the role of mentor to CMLL star Mistico.

In addition to Nacho Libre and a Jean Reno film L'Homme au masque d'or, Gutiérrez/Fray Tormenta has also been the prototype for several video game characters ("King" from the Tekken series, "Greco" from Chrono Cross and "Tizoc" from Fatal Fury) as well as the titular hero of the Japanese anime Tiger Mask, which itself has become the most famous gimmick in puroresu (Japanese professional wrestling) with four different wrestlers coming to fame portraying the masked do-gooder.

God indeed moves in mysterious ways!

All words my own
Photo at top of page (c) SLAM! Sports

The Strange Case Of Fray Tormenta (pt 1)

How a Mexican tearaway became a man of God, was trained as a wrestler, founded an orphanage and inspired 2 films, an anime and several video game characters!


Anno domini 2006 saw the release of a Jack Black comedy movie resplendent in the name Nacho Libre.
The title presumably confused the shit out of a lorra folks as it badly translates into English as "Free Nacho" (I'm undecided as to whether this was deliberate).

However, the sophisticates among us (i.e. SMARKS!) would instantly have recognised the reference to lucha libre ("free fight" or, more accurately, "freestyle fighting"), the Mexican form of professional wrestling.

The film's bizarre premise is that the main character, a monk, becomes a luchador (professional wrestler) in order to raise money for the orphanage at which he works.

What is more bizarre is that the film is based on a true story...

Sergio Gutiérrez Benítez was born into poverty in Mexico City, the 15th of 17 children. As a youngster he busked, sold ice lollies and cobbled together furniture in order to survive. He also discovered alcohol and drugs.

It was during this phase of substance abuse that Gutiérrez apparently had a hallucination in which he saw himself as a priest delivering communion in church. So inspired was the young man by the vision that he promptly went cold turkey (he has claimed the detox process took 72 hours, during which he was strapped to a bed) and joined a seminary of the Dominican Order. He was ordained in 1973 having travelled to Spain and, of course, Rome.

After a period of time spent teaching history and philosophy in Mexican colleges Gutiérrez settled in Texcoco (25 km NE of Mexico City) and, remembering his roots, began taking in abandoned children (at first in secret).

His cash-strapped superiors refused to grant him the money required to set up a proper orphanage to house the strays leaving the young priest with a problem. And, as a childhood fan of lucha libre who had observed the huge success of Mohammed Ali, he had the perfect solution. Become a professional wrestler to raise funds!

After months of training from a sympathetic luchador, the newly-named Fray Tormenta (Friar Storm), the Wrestling Priest, was ready to debut. In the Mexican tradition Tormenta would wear a mask (coloured gold for divinity and red for the blood of self-sacrifice) that would also serve the purpose of concealing his identity from the Catholic Church.

Gutiérrez imagined he would set the world on fire and make a million-or-so in one year, enough to retire from the ring and build the mother of all orphanages.

His first paypacket was approximately 20 bucks... He was in for the long haul.

Continues in Part 2

5 Things To Do In Plymouth When You're Drunk

Numero Uno: Find Alternative Methods For Keeping Alcohol Cool


Numero Dos: Drive A Motorbike Through Your Lounge


Numero Tres: Ogle Boobs

Numero Cuatro: Allow An Equally Drunk Woman To Style Your Hair

Numero Cinco: Smoke Cigars With Bender
Notes:
Numero Uno: effective, and recommended to all.
Numero Dos: Slawek (the driver) crashed into the wall.
Numero Tres: she said I could.
Numero Cuatro: it was better than the time Mika and Scarah forced me to wear bunches.
Numero Cinco: it's amazing who you can meet in the Fortescue Hotel.

Unintentionally Terrifying Wrestling Fanfiction

Following on from my previous post containing reviews of comedic wrestling fanfiction, here is a piece of writing that is impossible to find humourous.

The story uses the names (and physical appearances) of professional wrestling characters but is entirely a work of fiction by its authors and is not published for profit.

Suburban Suicide - A truly TERRIFYING story. I shit you not.
Synopsis: makeup-wearing, drug-dealing, alcoholic teenager Randy Orton flees the physical and sexual abuse he suffers at the hands of his parents and goes on the run with his boyfriend Cody Rhodes and their maladaptive friends, including heroin-addicted prostitute Ashley Massaro and sociopathic pyromaniac Jeff Hardy, who has just murdered his own parents and elder brother. The group of buddies, all psychologically traumatised, form a dysfunctional family and travel about committing crimes (they steal and inflict violence with utter complacency) whilst struggling to come to terms with their deep and numerous issues.

This story was apparently inspired by Green Day's "American Idiot" (I'm afraid to ask how). Quite simply the most disturbing story I have read in ages. Dark, bleak, at times almost casually brutal.

The most sympathetic character, Randy, is also in many ways the most unpleasant, a young gang leader caught in flux between status as a abuser and abused.
Cody is the classic "Luke Skywalker" archetype - good boy, good family, did well at school - the twist being that he is Randy's lover as well as his protege.
Evan, who blames himself for the accidental death of his older sister, is the backbone of the group (even if Randy is portrayed as the leader) and appears to be almost a substitute father for the main character, although the two are a similar age.
Jeff has shotgunned his entire family because he feared catching a beating for being a bad example to his brother Matt. Out of the whole group he is the least emotional, almost catatonic at times, and casually mentions that he is completely capable of committing murder.
Ashley? A homeless teenage crackwhore who is on a mission to be reunited with her infant daughter, removed from her by a court order.
Ted is somewhat of a mystery, supposedly from a perfect background, although it is hinted that his parents neglect him and that he has had his heart broken by a female cousin.
With the exception of Cody, the entire group are sexually promiscuous, smoke, abuse alcohol and indulge in everything from cannabis to crystal meth. Hell, their pre-runaway hideout was formerly used by a paedophile ring!
Could things honestly get any more grim...???

On a more positive note, the entire group are acceptive of Randy and Cody's homosexual relationship, with Evan being especially supportive. Also, they all have a curiously hopeful attitude, a assumption that things will turn out okay in the end, especially considering the apparent hopelessness of their lives and situation. Make no mistake, the characters are ALL victims, and seem to realise it (at least to an extent). Of course, breaking the cycle of abuse is often easier said than done.

This story is still a work in progress. And, as you see, it has inspired me to write a moderately in-depth analysis (at least for a blog!). The writing itself is not the stuff of Shakespeare, but it has heart and tackles some extremely unpleasant issues. It provoked a reaction from me, which is what creative writing is supposed to do. I'm quite eager to see how the story pans out.

Bear in mind that initially I only read it to make fun of it. Obviously, things did not turned out the way I anticipated.

And for that, I have much respect for the authors, Bob1097 and Neurotic-Idealist

Unintentionally Hilarious Wrestling Fanfiction Part 1

I found this fanfiction website (fanfiction.net) accidentally whilst googling a minor Hart family member. Fanfiction is new to me. I was instantly horrified/intrigued by the premise that internet writers would create their own (usually bizaare) stories featuring actual professional wrestlers in odd (frequently sexual) situations.

Here are brief plotline reviews of some unintentionally hilarious ones.
Links provided to the full stories, but be warned! Some of the written material on the site is sexually explicit and potentially offensive. If in doubt, don't visit the site. I've suffered for your sins by reading this crap, you don't have to suffer yourself. (Wow, I feel like such a Messiah now!)

Til A Death Do Us Part - Batista and Rey Misterio Jr (I refuse to use WWE's spelling) are gay lovers. Batista is extremely protective of his territory (Rey-Rey's Mexican ass) and is revealed to have murdered Randy Orton to prevent him stealing the diminutive luchador's convivial cornhole. Presumably he then walked a mile inside Oscar's Pit Of Danger.

Life Is Good - Triple H ruminates on his 16-year romance with Shawn Michaels. Not hugely comedic, but I laughed for ages after misreading a passage as "To see his sparkling blue eyes when he woke up in the morning, to hear his laugh whenever he pissed in the hallway"... Immaturity FTW! But let's face it, their Clique buddy Sean Waltman probably pisses in the hallway and shits on the ceiling every morning, so you can understand my error.

Mickie James Tribute (poem/song) - the lyrics are actually better than 99% of WWE's theme music, but does Mickie James really deserve heartfelt tributes? (WrestleCrap actually did a special radio show for Blade Braxton to cry about her) She aint dead! She's just Future Endeavoured! Ahhh, I never liked her much anyway, and was quite put off by the pics of her sticking her fingers up her meaty you-know-what.

Hero By Night - Description: "By day, he is Mark Calaway, simple mechanic. But by night, he becomes the supernatural vigilante known to the world as the Undertaker. Now, he faces an enemy who has a sinister plan to destroy him, and take his city with him."
Too bad that currently there is only a cast-list, because this sounds freakin' awesome! How can you possibly beat a supernatural mechanic taking on Boogeyman, Gangrel, Daffney, Mordecai and PAPA SHANGO??!! I would pay to see this concept made into a film!!!
Having said that, is the author the only fan in the world NOT to know about Michelle McKoolaid? And Mideon being already dead just plain sucks.

Maryse Meets the Deadman - Maryse is sick of violently possessive Randy Orton (who seems to be a fanfic favourite) so she shags Undertaker (Michelle McKoolaid is NOT a fanfic favourite).
What made me chuckle was the mental image of the Undertaker in BOXER SHORTS! That and the fact that after the Man From The Darkside was thru with the French Canadian Beauty Queen they "licked up all the juices that was there"! Badly Written Zombie Porn FTW! I was less impressed by the inaccuracy of description when it came to Maryse's breasts (and I have enjoyed enjoying her Playboy pics, so I know my shit). "Perky"? Agreed, they are perky (silicone represent yo!). But "Huge"...? Nahhh, kiddo, those aren't huge. Trust me. I've had sex at least... hmmmm.... well, more times than you!!

Stolen Love - All is not well in the Land of Raw! Undertaker and Kane lead the peasants in resistance (sadly without the aid of Sly, Con-man & Boner Boy) against the evil Prince Kurt! Undertaker's daughter Maria has been kidnapped to become the sex-slave of Arch-Duke Randy Orton! Lita gets raped by Kurt Angle! I'm not making any of this up!!!

Mating Season - Jeff Hardy is a GAY WEREWOLF!!! What is more, he wants to rape, murder and eat his own brother Matt along with Matt's gay boyfriend Adam Copeland! "The Hardy Show" just got taken to the EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME! (on a serious note, this story contains graphic descriptions of sex, don't visit unless you are over 18 and really want to)

Why is there so much male homosexuality in these things?
I want to read stories about comely lesbian Divas botching foreplay and breaking their clavicles whilst attempting the 69!
I guess I'll have to keep reading. And updating my blog with what I find!

Who should YOU vote for in the UK General Election?

This flow chart (created by Benito Vasselini at b3ta.com) should help you, the British electorate, decide who to vote for in the forthcoming general election! If you're not British... uh... feel free to ignore this bit!

One final point on the LibDems: they will NOT force the United Kingdom to join the single European currency. They WILL give us, the people, the opportunity to vote in a referendum as to whether WE want to join it. As opposed to the Conservatives and Labour who will jackboot right over us.

Btw, do check out Benito's page (link at top of post). He has some pretty funny photoshops including "Brokeback Mountain" PS2 video game!

Return of the Spack!

Return of the Spack indeed!


Devouring matchsticks and wearing a jockstrap in lieu of a hat is quite the 'in thing' this season, darling!

Anybody remember Mark Morrison, aka "The Mack"? Let’s start with his nickname. "The Mack"...? Did he imagine he was a raincoat? Perhaps he should have dubbed himself "The Cagoule" or maybe gone the whole hog and used the name "The Rohan Anorak With Gore-Tex Lining And Extra Pockets". Whichever way you look at it, he sounds like a trainspotter.

I never understood how he managed to attain the "bad-boy image" that he (supposedly) had. What did he do that was so bad/badd? (mofo!) I guess he was a bit of a twat, but if that was a hanging offence then the United Kingdom would have a population of about 512. And I'd have been long since dispatched.

I vaguely recall "Return Of The Mack" being released. (Was he taking it back to M&S to swap it for one in day-glo pink?) What puzzled me mightily was how somebody could be making a supposedly Big Return when, to the best of my knowledge, he'd never done a damn thing in the first place!

Perhaps this is my opportunity for fame and fortune, although Morrison seems to have achieved little of either.I could turn up at "Top Of The Pops" with a bunch of towering posse members (i.e. bodyguards hired to make me look cool), a fur coat (fuck PETA, this is my career we’re talking about) and omnipresent sunglasses (works for Edgar Davids) and say "Wagwan, I iz makin my Big Return innit, now give me a recordin contract befo I bust a cap in yo ass honky, I iz a BAD/BADD BOY (mofo!) and woz well famous befo, innit. If yu aint eard ov me it is becoz yu iz too white, innit."

TOTP would instantly cave in, put me on stage, Simon Fuller would give me shitloads of money and the world would be my lobster, Terry my son!

At least that is what could have happened if TOTP hadn't hired Fearne Cotton/Britton/whicheverthefuck, lost its audience and been cancelled. This is a lesson Radio One should heed. But that is a rant for another day.

Nothing says "g-d up from the feet up" like a raincoat!

Macho Madness!

An exclusive, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see photos from 2008 of me impersonating wrestling legend Macho Man Randy Savage! DIG IT! (If you've never heard of him then Google him, bah God! I can do his voice SO good, I swear!)

I should mention that I have since shaved off the beard and the hair. Medical professionals were required to remove the bandana and I'm not sure the sunglasses ever came off at all. Why is it so dark in here?

Now let me tell you something Hulk Hogan, uhhhh HUH....I can be a gentleman if you leave me alone......
But if you mess with me, you're in the DANGER ZONE!

OOOOOOHHHH YEAHHHHH!!! DIG IT!!!!

Oooooohhh yeahhh indeed!
MAN? Check! MACHO? Check! SAVAGE? Clearly! RANDY??? Absolutely ladies! Form an orderly queue!
(what girl doesn't get moist for insane Englishmen who impersonate 1980s pro wrestlers? Hey, I toldja! I've shaved off the beard and the hair!)

Heinz vs Co-Op: Salad Cream Showdown!

Heinz salad cream versus Co-Operative salad cream. Showdown Of The Century! And it is taking place right now. (IN THAT VERY RING! BAHHH GOD!)

Okay, so basically I have 12 chips (American eq. = French fries) on my plate and two bottles of salad cream made by rival companies, Heinz and the Co-Op. FYI, the Co-Op stuff has recently replaced the Somerfield own-brand version on the shelves of my local supermarket, due to the recent takeover. Has it been an improvement? We shall find out. First some knowledge to impart:

Salad cream is basically the lowbrow equivalent of mayonaisse. It is an unsophisticated condiment which is not possessed of a foreign name and can helpfully disguise careless burning of food. Yet the fact that its name contains the word "salad" enables to commoners who devour it to feel somewhat upwardly mobile.

I should explain here that I am mixed-class (a bit like being mixed-race but without the benefit of offending Nazis). My mother's family - middle class. My father's family - working class. Therefore I am entitled to eat both mayonaisse and salad cream. I am also entitled to pronounce words correctly and degenerate into frequent fits of swearing.

I shall be judging the competitors via the following rationale:

1. Cost
   
2. Ease Of Being Squeezed Out Of Bottle
   
3. Colour
4. Appearance
5. Taste

1: Cost
As you might have guessed, the Heinz one is more expensive. It's a brand name so they can get away with charging more for it. The First Rule Of Business is "charge the highest price the market can stand". The Second Rule Of Business is "always fuck the secretary if she weighs less than you", but that's hardly relevant to salad cream. I should mention here that Co-Op Salad Cream is slightly more expensive than the Somerfield product it replaced.
Victor: Co-Op

2: Ease Of Being Squeezed Out Of Bottle
An essential feature, as I'm sure you'll agree. I've sat through dinners in which the only joy to be derived was from squeezing the ketchup bottle whilst it made sounds reminiscent of a dysentry-afflicted bullfrog. The Ease Of Squeeze was in fact identical, but I had much fun testing this.
Victor: n/a (Draw)

3: Colour
The Heinz product exhibits a gentle, mildly yellow tinge to compliment it's creamy hue. Salad cream being the colour of cream (albeit a peroxide variety)? Whodathunkit?
But what is this?!?!
The Co-Op one is approximately equivalent in tone to Builder's Magnolia paint (the favourite of cheapskate landlords - i.e. ALL landlords). This is not good. I am afflicted by that bastard colour whenever I look at my walls. Or the walls of anyone else who rents accomodation. I don't want to see it on my goddamn plate. Co-Op - you FLUNKED the Dulux test!
Victor: Heinz

4: Appearance
Heinz product: looks smooth and creamy (sorry, I realise I am grossly overusing this word). In other words, it looks like you'd expect it to look. And that is a good thing. Surprises are rarely pleasant and especially not when it comes to condiments.
Co-Op product: It looks like wallpaper paste, turgid and gloopy (new words FTW!). This is the kind of thing that washes up on beaches in large quantities, clinging to the corpses of birds, fish, whales and drunken tourists who tried to swim through it. And it STILL appears to be the same colour as my walls.
Victor: Heinz

5: Taste
Ahhh, now I can finally dip my chips in it and savour the delights of an edible substance designed to make my food taste like something completely different.
The Heinz version tastes like salad cream. It just does! Imagine a sweet vinegary, creamy flavour with the consistancy of jizz. (or so I'd imagine. I wish to state at this point that NEVER has ANY jizz entered my mouth. Or any other part of my body.) Odd that such a revolting concept could taste so good when combined with strips of fried potato.
The Co-Op version however tastes FUCKING VILE! Holy guacamole! I've just remembered why I have TWO bottles of salad cream! The Heinz one was to replace the reprehensibly appalling Co-Op shit. Now one of my chips has been wasted as I've spat it over the floor. This does NOT taste like salad cream, it tastes like evil, rancid, congealed goat-milk-mixed-with-piss. I'm throwing it in the bin whilst trying not to throw up.
Victor: Heinz (its competition nearly made me barf, so an easy win there)

The Winner Of The 'Greatest Salad Cream In My Fridge' Trophy: HEINZ!!!!!
The Co-Operative salad cream has now been binned and will never be purchased again.

My Inaugural Post!

Even the universe had to begin somewhere and this blog (I hate the word already) is no different.

And please don't send me messages about God creating jam in three days (Eddie Izzard represent yo!) or the possibilities of the universe being in some kind of never-ending loop.

Having said that (and possibly damned myself), as this is my first post and nobody knows this blog (arghh) exists except Me and Mr Google (coming to an adult video store near you), I won't get any messages at all unless I send them to myself. Which begs the question: is emailing yourself more/less crazy than talking to yourself? Is it just technologically-advanced, futuristic insanity? (and if so, is that "cool" or "nerdy"?) Or am I just blabbering to waste time while my dinner heats up in the oven?

Well, that's about it for my first post. I had to get it out of the way as quickly as possible so I could progress more quickly onto talking about deep subjects like politics, philosophy and professional wrestling (the Three Peas!).

Adios muchachas (I have no idea what that means)