Devouring matchsticks and wearing a jockstrap in lieu of a hat is quite the 'in thing' this season, darling!
Anybody remember Mark Morrison, aka "The Mack"? Let’s start with his nickname. "The Mack"...? Did he imagine he was a raincoat? Perhaps he should have dubbed himself "The Cagoule" or maybe gone the whole hog and used the name "The Rohan Anorak With Gore-Tex Lining And Extra Pockets". Whichever way you look at it, he sounds like a trainspotter.
I never understood how he managed to attain the "bad-boy image" that he (supposedly) had. What did he do that was so bad/badd? (mofo!) I guess he was a bit of a twat, but if that was a hanging offence then the
I vaguely recall "Return Of The Mack" being released. (Was he taking it back to M&S to swap it for one in day-glo pink?) What puzzled me mightily was how somebody could be making a supposedly Big Return when, to the best of my knowledge, he'd never done a damn thing in the first place!
Perhaps this is my opportunity for fame and fortune, although Morrison seems to have achieved little of either.I could turn up at "Top Of The Pops" with a bunch of towering posse members (i.e. bodyguards hired to make me look cool), a fur coat (fuck PETA, this is my career we’re talking about) and omnipresent sunglasses (works for Edgar Davids) and say "Wagwan, I iz makin my Big Return innit, now give me a recordin contract befo I bust a cap in yo ass honky, I iz a BAD/BADD BOY (mofo!) and woz well famous befo, innit. If yu aint eard ov me it is becoz yu iz too white, innit."
TOTP would instantly cave in, put me on stage, Simon Fuller would give me shitloads of money and the world would be my lobster, Terry my son!
At least that is what could have happened if TOTP hadn't hired Fearne Cotton/Britton/whicheverthefuck, lost its audience and been cancelled. This is a lesson Radio One should heed. But that is a rant for another day.
Nothing says "g-d up from the feet up" like a raincoat!
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