Retards Of Our Planet (Part 5)

Don't Trust Foreign Companies...
...is the opinion of renowned dumbass Sarah Palin in the wake of the environmental disaster in the Gulf Of La Raza.
Thankfully her husband Todd Palin is far less xenophobic, having only recently left British oil giant BP after 18 years of loyal service.
Reported here.

Evil Otters 
The Kendal and District Angling Club are in uproar due to malicious otters having the gall to eat fish in local rivers.
Otters are a protected species in England after their numbers fell to near extinction in the 1980s. One angry fisherman, Mr Tony Ryan, has proposed lifting their protected status so he can legally kill them.
Reported here.

Bunting Banned 
Carnival organisers in Ferndown, Dorset have been banned from hanging up bunting (strings of small, plastic flags) on grounds that it might cause lampposts to fall down.
Nuff said really! Reported here.

World Of Bizarre - Vorpal Bunnies and Puking Philadelphians

This story is about a month old. A secondary school teacher from Vechta, Germany has sued a 14-yr -old pupil for drawing a bunny wabbit on the classroom blackboard. The reason? The teacher has a phobia of bunny wabbits and was traumatised! Sounds hare-raising (sorry). Reported here.


Also in the news (thanks Telegraph!), a baseball fan from Philadelphia PA, USA, has pleaded guilty to deliberately vomiting on an off-duty police officer and his daughter in retaliation for the rozzer getting his drunken, foul-mouthed buddy thrown out of the Philadelphia Phillies (shyte name) game. This story makes me sick (sorry). Reported here.
Ironic that this occurred in the City of Brotherly Love, no? But then again, judging by the fans of ECW, Philadelphia appears to be home to some seriously obnoxious turd-brains. Luckily they have Brian Heffron to balance things out!

Retards Of Our Planet (Part 4)

Delving into Plymouth's Herald newspaper has turned up two examples!

Example 1: Last Saturday ten teenagers decided to swim out to Drake's Island, 1/2 mile offshore in Plymouth Sound. All of them made it there. SIX of them had not considered how to get back...
(It's okay, they're still alive! Reported here)

Example 2: The top 10 most retarded emergency calls received by Devon & Cornwall Police during 2009 -

1. "My power has gone off. Will my Sarah Lee gateaux defrost in the freezer if I keep the door shut and how long would it take?"
2. "The Chinese takeaway I ordered is 45 minutes late. I want you to prosecute the takeaway for ripping me off."
3. "Can one of your officers come around to my house to tell my sons to calm down?"
4. One night during the summer 15 999 calls were made all reporting UFOs in the sky over Cornwall. It turned out the spectacle was lights and lasers from a concert at the Eden Project.
5. "I can see a really rare bird sitting on top of a telegraph pole – who shall I ring?"
6. "I bought a pair of jeans at a shop last week and took them back but the shop won't give me a refund."
7. "There's been a pigeon in my back garden for the past three days – it's got a tag on."
8. "I have lost my shoplifting ticket I was given when I was arrested last week."
9. "Can you put me in touch with whoever deals with noise pollution as there is a builder using an angle grinder outside?"
10. A woman dialled 999 after waking up with her duvet covering her head and panicking.

(top 10 as reported by The Herald here.)

Retards Of Our Planet (Part 3)

Trainspotter nearly killed by train.
You know you're a lousy trainspotter when you fail to "spot" the one coming right up behind you at 70mph!

World Of Bizarre - You're dicked...er...nicked!

As reported in the Northern Echo and the Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, officers of the North Yorkshire Police were dispatched to a shop in Leeming Bar to confiscate a sandstone penis measuring in at 48 inches (and for once, ladies, that's not an exaggeration).


Jason Hadlow, owner of the Simply Dutch curio shop (and chairman of Yarm Town Council), had the giant geological Johnson imported from Indonesia and erected it (tee hee!) in his shop window.

He was perplexed when members (tee hee!) of the constabulary came to confiscate the collossal cock following complaints from the public that the menacing manhood was "obscene".

Mr Hadlow has been levied an £80 fine over the dong dispute but feels the furore is ridickulous (tee hee!) and has begun a Facebook campaign entitled "Free Willy" to protest against the perceived pecker prejudice.

He is also importing 150 more 4-foot phalluses, 10 of which have already been sold for £200 each. (Making mine worth approximately £30. If it was made of stone.)

In case anyone is wondering why Jakarta has a manufacturing industry devoted to rocky ramrods, it is apparently because Indonesians touch them for good luck. Insert joke here. (insert... heh heh heh!)

Words my own. Photo from GazetteLive. Spotter credit to Angry People In Local Newspapers

Alimony is running wild, brutha!

Fresh from his recent experience of tapping out to a divorce court, Hulk Hogan (known to attorneys as Terrence Gene Bollea) has released a brand new item of merchandise in an attempt to raise some much-needed funds.

Hogan gave us Surielism the following statement: "Lemme tell ya something brutha, sometimes a brutha's gotta do what a brutha's gotta do, especially when his ex-wife is carrying all his money away on her barn-door back, brutha! TNA's money isn't gonna last forever brutha, especially at the rate me and my bruthas are pocketing it! So help a brutha out and buy a shirt, whaddya say brutha?"

Insiders are predicting Hogan vs Linda in a "Divorceamania Rules" match at a future TNA event (the winner gets to shag the best friend of one of their teenage children, the loser gets to shag the best friend of the other of their teenage children).

World Of Crazy

Boeing 747 landing at airfield on the island of St Maarten in the Caribbean.
They do this all the time!

World Of Shocking (no humour)

Tranquility Bay was a correctional facility for wayward juveniles, based in Jamaica.

Its owner and director, Jay Kay, a bankrupt college dropout who formerly worked as a petrol station attendent, decided to establish a reform-school to which American parents would send their 'deliquent' children (some as young as 12) to be moulded into model citizens.

These teenage tearaways had committed such crimes as being disrespectful to their parents, smoking, having sex, having friends their parents disproved of and in one case smoking a joint.

To reform them they were sent to Tranquility Bay, sometimes after being forcibly removed from their homes, with parental consent (Shannon Levy-Rowley, for example, was handcuffed during her journey and later attempted suicide).

Their parents would legally grant Mr Kay 49% custody, agree to have no contact with the children for up to 12 months, waive the right to prosecute/sue if harm came to their offspring and pay him up to $40,000 a year for the privilege.

Tranquility opened its doors in 1997 and was finally closed down in 2009. (Here and here are parts 1 & 2 of a Guardian/Observer article from 2003 on the establishment.)

In the intervening years the staff (qualifications required: high-school education) employed psychological and physical abuse in order to correct the inmates.

Day-to-day live consisted of grinding prison monotony. Education consisted of reading from text books in silence and making notes. Submission to the system resulted in gaining 'credits', allowing one to progress from level-1 (forbidden from speaking or even moving without permission) to higher levels at which one could not only speak, but could also recommend punishments for kids at lower levels for disobedience.

Ah yes, punishment. Solitary confinement seems to have been frequently employed for teens misguided enough to break rules (or even complain at their treatment), as well as forcing them to lie on their face for hours at a time. If they struggled they might be forcibly thrown to the ground or into the nearest wall.

One girl was forced to spend 18 months (yes, you read that correctly) lying face down - she was allowed to stretch once every hour. Former inmates have reported staff breaking jaws and using weapons ranging from woodern planks to a radio.

One 17 yr-old girl, Valerie Ann Heron, threw herself to her death from a balcony at the facility. A 15 yr-old boy, Kerry Lane Brown, was pepper-sprayed 2/3 times a day over an 8 month period. Following his release he was repeatedly hospitalised due to PTSD and died in 2006 aged 24.

Incidentally, the company which handled the licensed-kidnapping of the youngsters was run by a man named Rick Strawn who previously quit his job as an Atlanta policeman rather than face an internal investigation over allegations he beat and molested his stepdaughter.

Tranquility Bay closed its doors in 2009 due to a decline in business.

Its parent company WWASPS (run by Jay Kay's father, coincidentally) is still operational, although a visit to the Wikipedia link will provide examples of the many cases of child abuse associated with the company.

Credit to TVTropes for the link to Guardian/Observer newsletter. Words my own and validated by sources provided.

"My Immortal" reviewed!! Greatest Harry Potter ripoff EVER!!

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD (sic!)

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"(sic) - Dumbledore

As detailed in this post, on 26 April I discovered the wondrous existence of "fan-fiction". This phenomenon seems to consist of crazed teenagers (I know, whodathunkit?) composing literary disasterpieces based on...well...anything, but usually cartoons, pro-wrestling, films and actual books.

Books like the Harry Potter series...

On 5 May 2010, I discovered My Immortal, the magnum opus of an author known only as Tara Gilesbie (30,800 hits on Google. I'm serious!).

My Immortal was placed on a popular fanfic website and received +10,000 reviews before being taken down because JK ROWLING THREATENED TO SUE!!!
If that's not a recommendation, nothing is!

It is kept alive here (contains MUCH strong language and extremely pathetic descriptions of sex) by Kthnxbai (who has my respect and gratitude for his/her commitment to preservation of culture).

The saga is not simply a Harry Potter fanfic. It actually has virtually nothing to do with Harry Potter, despite being set in Hogwarts and featuring numerous HP characters.

My Immortal is quite absolutely the most moronically written, fantastically nonsensical, ludicrously over-the-top, insanely misspelled, lunatic bullshit ever written in the history of humanity.

Consequently, it REEKS OF AWESOMENESS!!!

The story centres (in the most extreme sense of the word) on Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, best known as Enoby (sic). Enoby is a 17 year-old goff (sic). She is also a vampire, an emo, a self-harmer, a Satanist and a witch. Her favourite spells are Abra Kedabara (sic) and Crookshanks (sic). She cries tears of blood. She sleeps in a coffin. She has a fetish for gay men.

So of course she attends Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, to be with other young personages like herself.

I'm actually serious...! This version of Hogwarts is populated almost entirely by youngsters who are also simultaneously goffs, vampires, emos, self-harmers and Satanists who get off on watching young men have sex with each other. And these are the good guys!

The exceptions are House Grifindoor (sic), who are preppy posers and don't know the lyrics to Good Charlotte songs. I have no idea what that actually means, but it doesn't matter because the only Grifindoor mentioned is a girl called Britney (apparently the author's real-life nemesis). She is BAD. Well... she's blonde, anyway. And a clueless, preppy poser!

Plot?
Everything revolves around the main character Tara Gilesbie....er....Enoby.

No effort is spared in making sure we know the precise details of Enoby's outfit (which changes frequently, albeit not greatly).
All the good guys dress in exactly the same style. Because they're all goffs. Yeah.
They also listen to goff music. Like My Chemical Romance, Good Charlotte, Linkin Park and Marilyn Manson. Yeah.
As alluded to, clueless posers are roundly condemned in this story. Yeah.

Aside from this, things are a little sketchy.

Enoby goes to heavy metal goff concerts in Hogsmeade, smokes "cigarettes and drugs", cuts her wrists, reads "sad books", obsesses about how unfortunate she is to be so incredibly beautiful, is rude to preppy posers, swears a LOT, goes back in time and also has sex with virtually everyone who is up for it with her. Naturally, everyone is.

There are also strange subplots involving suicide, heavy metal GOFF concerts, preppy posers, murder, rape, incest, interior design, fashion (goff, natch) and even an orgy.

In addition, there are many, many, many Out Of Character (OOC) comments from Tara aimed at the numerous detractors her story had. There is even an instance of an addition being made by a hacker (which Tara left in the story, perhaps because it greatly improved the prose for a chapter)

As you've doubtless ascertained, we're not in Kansas any more. These are the supporting characters who feature in My Immortal:

Draco (aka Darko/Drace) - black hair, red eyes, bisexual, goff. Paranoid. Pussy. Cries constantly. Commits suicide at one point (and comes back to life). Drives a flying Mercedes Benz with a 666 license plate. Actually that's kinda kewl... He is in a permanent love triangle with Enoby and...

Harry Vampire Potter (aka Vampir/Vrompire) - black hair, red eyes, bisexual, goff with "manly stubble"! Has a pentagram-shaped scar. Cries constantly. Is a Slytherin. (And yeah, he's a vampire. But so is virtually everyone)

Albert Dumbledore (aka Dumblydor/Dumbledork/Dumblydum) - angry teacher (see quote at top of page). Wears a robe bearing the motif "Avril Lavigne". Preppy poser. Paints the Great Hall pink. Then paints it black to prove how emo he is (because he's a preppy poser).

Professor McGoggle - angry teacher, fond of getting irate at students who have sex in front of her. Inconsiderate bitch.

Snap (aka Snoop/Snipe/Snake) - Christian teacher. Former rocker who was kicked out of his band for being a preppy poser. Also a child-molester. And, not forgetting, a homosexual! He likes to get his thang on with...

Loopin (aka Lumpkin) - Snap's boyfriend. Also a child-molester and voyeur. Both Loopin and Snap get sent to Azerbaijan for this. Then they come back.

Vlodemot (aka Voldemort/Voldemint/Volxemort/the Bark Lord) - Villain who wants to kill Draco (motive unexplained). What is known is that he reads people's minds via telekinesis. Oh, and he was once a rocker before he became outed as a preppy poser.

Tom Marvolo Riddle Satan Bombodil - Vlodemot, as he was in the 1980s. A sexy goff teenager. Enoby goes back in time to have sex with him. Please don't ask how/why.

Snaketail - 16 yr-old Vlodemot lackie who tortures Draco and promptly begs Enoby for sex.

Professor Sinister (aka Professor Sinatra) - half-Japanese goff teacher who becomes a drug addict (I think). Naturally she's one of the heroes.

Professor Trevolry - I was very confused here. According to others, Trevolry is interchangeable with Sinister/Sinatra (see above). Difficult to tell.

Hermione B'loody Mary Smith - vampire, goff, Satanist, you know the deal by now. Which is why Hermione changed her name and became a Slytherin. She speaks Japanese. Sometimes. Badly.

Hargid (aka Hairgrid) - student in House Slytherin (because he's a Satanist, etc.) Also a sex-pest.

Mr Norris - school janitor, has a cat named Filth

Ron Diabolo Wesley - black hair, red eyes, yadayadayada, member of Slytherin. Became this way because his vampire father Mr Wesley sexually abused him and his siblings and committed suicide.

Jenny Wesley (aka Darkness)- Diabolo Wesley's sister. See above, story the same.

Crab Wesley and Goyle Wesley - twin brothers of Diabolo and Jenny/Darkness Wesley.

Nevel (aka Dracula) - His parents (vampire, natch) were killed in a car-crash, leading him to become black haired Satanic Slytherin, et al.

Cornelia Fuck - Mystery of Magic. Yes, you read that correctly. And it's a "he".

Doris Rumbridge - banishes Professor Sinister to Azerbaijan. For being a goff.

Serious Blak (aka Spartacus/Severus/Serifs) - Vampire Potter's goff dogfather. Yes, dogfather. Part of the goff band which abolished Snap for being a preppy poser.

James Somaro Potter - Vampire Potter's father. Part of goff band w/Serious & Snap. Is named for the ghost in The Ring. Yeah.

Lucian (aka Lucan) - Also part of above band. Possibly Draco's father. Had his arm shot clean off by Somaro Potter (they remained friends).

Hedwig - Vlodemot's ex-boyfriend. Yeah.

Dobby - Voyeur, enjoys watching Snap and Loopin shag.

At this point you might be thinking that Ms Tara Gilesbie could do with rereading the books. Actually, she freely admitted in OOC comments that she'd never read them at all!

She'd watched a couple of the films and the rest of the information came from her friend Raven, who also proof-read for her. After the first several chapters the two had a bad falling out which led to the author having no accurate information and no-one to spellcheck. Raven came back on board eventually, but the relationship was obviously rocky. Tara's OOC comments (and transparently-insincere apology for stealing a poster from her) prove that.

The mind-numbing (albeit hilarious) godawfulness of My Immortal has led many readers to question if the "story" is the work of a troll, deliberately subverting the fan-fiction genre.

My pet theory is that post-argument, Raven fed Tara false information regarding characters and spelling, leading to standards declining from dire to earth-shatteringly abysmal. It is worth noting that a number of fanfic authors have tried parodying My Immortal and none have come anywhere close.

If you doubt the fame of My Immortal, just Google it. Hell, it's seen numerous readings and several animated adaptations on YouTube!

For example: My Immortal-The Movie parts 1, 2 and 3.

And to conclude, some choice quotes from the epic:

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” - Professor McGoggle
“I hath telekinesis.” - Vlodemot
“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” - B'loody Mary
“BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!” - Hargid
“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” - Cornelia Fuck
“I want to shit next to her!” - Draco
“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” - Professor Sinister
“If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!” - Snap
“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight?" - Tom Satan Bombodil
“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!” - Professor Trevolry
“You fucking preppy fags!” - Serious Blak
“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” - Enoby
“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” - Britney

Tara, you are a bonafide internet legend and one of my heroes!
Thanks for the lulz!
ENOBY LIVES!

Retards Of Our Planet (Part 2)

Politician: "allowing same-sex marriages will encourage bestiality"

Republican (surprise, surprise) former Congressman, and potential future Senator for Arizona, J.D. Hayworth, made the news by claiming that a Massachusetts law allowing same-sex marriage could lead to a man legally marrying a horse.

Reported here.

And he defended his claim!

Reported here.

Retards Of Our Planet (Part 1)

Example #1 - Dumbfuck Republican (illustrated)

Well, he IS correct. But first some knowledge.

The term Czar (spelled Tsar in the UK) has absolutely FUCK ALL to do with communism.

In Russia the word (derived from Latin, Caesar) was used for their hereditary monarchs.

In America the word czar is a term used to refer to high-ranking civil servants, and is used solely as a shorthand by the media as a means of shortening official titles of these advisors/directors/envoys/etc.

The term has been thus used for +90 years in the USA.

Hardly a new-fangled phrase that somebody could easily misconstrue. Unless they were a RIGHT-WING MONGOLOID.

Oh yeah, and which US President has been responsible for the biggest increase in appointment of "czars" during his administration? Why, that would be the boy-wonder, DUBYA! But you don't see this shitstick complaining about that.

But now for the kicker, that really shows that the RETARDED REPUBLICAN FUCK knows precisely JACK SHIT.

The last Russian Tsar/Czar, Nicholas II, was overthrown in the Russian Revolution in 1917, meaning that the USSR has never had even a SINGLE Tsar/Czar.

Because AUTOCRACY is not able to coexist with COMMUNISM. Of course anyone who wasn't an UNEDUCATED DUMBFUCK would know this.

By the way, the USSR no longer exists.

So to recap for the benefit of stupid people, THE FACT THAT BARACK OBAMA HAS ADVISORS DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE IS A COMMUNIST!

THE COLD WAR HAS ENDED! THE USSR IS NO MORE! RUSSIANS ARE NOT TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! THEY NEVER WERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Try getting a fucking education before making a placard.

Rant over.

Example #2 - Star Wars fans

Wishing we could have a lightsabre battle! We've all been there, some of us have done it (albeit with plastic versions). I still have the purple lightsabre I bought in a fit of drunkenness after watching Attack Of The Clones.

However, for two fans this was not enough.

So they filled fluorescent light tubes with petrol, ignited them and went to work.

Don't worry. They're still alive! <-- BBC website
I shall return to this topic.
Retards, not lightsabres, although actually I might talk about them some more in the future. Lightsabres are good.

The Iron Sheik will make you HUMBLE!

To humble (third-person singular simple present "humbles", present participle "humbling", simple past and past participle "humbled")

1. To bring low; to reduce the power, independence, or exaltation of; to lower; to abase; to humiliate.
Here, take this purse, thou whom the heaven's plagues have humbled to all strokes. -Shak.
The genius which humbled six marshals of France. -Macaulay.

2. To make humble or lowly in mind; to abase the pride or arrogance of; to reduce the self-sufficiency of; to make meek and submissive; -- often used reflexively.
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you.
1 Pet. v. 6.

3. To cripple and anally violate.
Suplex him, put him in the Camel Clutch, break his back and then fuck his ass to make him HUMBLE! -Iron Sheik

The Iron Sheik (Khosrow Hossein Vaziri) was once one of professional wrestling's great villains - a twirly-mustached, twirly-booted beast intent on destroying America in the name of the Ayatollah! But that was then.

Nowadays he is an internationally-beloved fan favourite, recipient of the Nobel Prize for Physics, Harvard professor and role-model for young children. This amazing transformation has been carried out via a unique and curious modus operandae: issuing threats of sodomy.

The legendary "Iron Sheik Goes Nuts" video (OVER 18s ONLY!) has received (at current time) nearly 1 million views on YouTube and has been invaluable in portraying the Iron Sheik's commitment to law, order and respect as well as his strong belief in the merits of countering egotism with anal rape.

In addition, Sheiky (as he is known to his friends) has issued similar overtures of buggery to such diverse personages as Michael Richards (Kramer, you broke my fucking heart! I'm gonna fuck your ass to make you humble!) and Terrence "Hulk Hogan" Bollea (I should have fucked his ass!).

As we shall see, the Iron Sheik has not limited his non-consensual (yet diplomatic) butt-banditry to such miscreants as these. Examine these quotes if ya will!

BBC News: Oscar-winning director Peter Jackson said he was "incredibly humbled" after being made a Knight Companion of the New Zealand Order of Merit.
(editor's note: this was to punish him for having Elves at Helm's Deep)

ESPN: Jimmy Clausen seemed humble after his first NFL workout. It was a trait often missing during a career that started as a high school phenom in California and continued when he went 16-18 as a three-year starter with the Fighting Irish.
(editor's note: I bet Sheiky gave him a workout to remember!)

The Guardian: Barack Obama 'surprised' and 'humbled' by Nobel peace prize.
(editor's note: Iron Sheik musta used it as a dildo)

Daily Mail: Magpies humbled as fans jeer 'hated' Ashley and call for Shearer to return.
(editor's note: even birds are not safe)

MTV: Lady Gaga 'Humbled' By Madonna Coming To Her Show.
(editor's note: Madonna humbled her? Damn. If I'd known Sheiky was contracting out humblings then I would have volunteered. At least for this job!)

Irish Times: Ireland humbled by blinkered hubris, says President.
(editor's note: holy shit! He did it to an entire country!)

Let this be a salutary lesson.
If the Iron Sheik can do it to them, why then he can do it to YOU!