"My Immortal" reviewed!! Greatest Harry Potter ripoff EVER!!

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD (sic!)

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"(sic) - Dumbledore

As detailed in this post, on 26 April I discovered the wondrous existence of "fan-fiction". This phenomenon seems to consist of crazed teenagers (I know, whodathunkit?) composing literary disasterpieces based on...well...anything, but usually cartoons, pro-wrestling, films and actual books.

Books like the Harry Potter series...

On 5 May 2010, I discovered My Immortal, the magnum opus of an author known only as Tara Gilesbie (30,800 hits on Google. I'm serious!).

My Immortal was placed on a popular fanfic website and received +10,000 reviews before being taken down because JK ROWLING THREATENED TO SUE!!!
If that's not a recommendation, nothing is!

It is kept alive here (contains MUCH strong language and extremely pathetic descriptions of sex) by Kthnxbai (who has my respect and gratitude for his/her commitment to preservation of culture).

The saga is not simply a Harry Potter fanfic. It actually has virtually nothing to do with Harry Potter, despite being set in Hogwarts and featuring numerous HP characters.

My Immortal is quite absolutely the most moronically written, fantastically nonsensical, ludicrously over-the-top, insanely misspelled, lunatic bullshit ever written in the history of humanity.

Consequently, it REEKS OF AWESOMENESS!!!

The story centres (in the most extreme sense of the word) on Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, best known as Enoby (sic). Enoby is a 17 year-old goff (sic). She is also a vampire, an emo, a self-harmer, a Satanist and a witch. Her favourite spells are Abra Kedabara (sic) and Crookshanks (sic). She cries tears of blood. She sleeps in a coffin. She has a fetish for gay men.

So of course she attends Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, to be with other young personages like herself.

I'm actually serious...! This version of Hogwarts is populated almost entirely by youngsters who are also simultaneously goffs, vampires, emos, self-harmers and Satanists who get off on watching young men have sex with each other. And these are the good guys!

The exceptions are House Grifindoor (sic), who are preppy posers and don't know the lyrics to Good Charlotte songs. I have no idea what that actually means, but it doesn't matter because the only Grifindoor mentioned is a girl called Britney (apparently the author's real-life nemesis). She is BAD. Well... she's blonde, anyway. And a clueless, preppy poser!

Plot?
Everything revolves around the main character Tara Gilesbie....er....Enoby.

No effort is spared in making sure we know the precise details of Enoby's outfit (which changes frequently, albeit not greatly).
All the good guys dress in exactly the same style. Because they're all goffs. Yeah.
They also listen to goff music. Like My Chemical Romance, Good Charlotte, Linkin Park and Marilyn Manson. Yeah.
As alluded to, clueless posers are roundly condemned in this story. Yeah.

Aside from this, things are a little sketchy.

Enoby goes to heavy metal goff concerts in Hogsmeade, smokes "cigarettes and drugs", cuts her wrists, reads "sad books", obsesses about how unfortunate she is to be so incredibly beautiful, is rude to preppy posers, swears a LOT, goes back in time and also has sex with virtually everyone who is up for it with her. Naturally, everyone is.

There are also strange subplots involving suicide, heavy metal GOFF concerts, preppy posers, murder, rape, incest, interior design, fashion (goff, natch) and even an orgy.

In addition, there are many, many, many Out Of Character (OOC) comments from Tara aimed at the numerous detractors her story had. There is even an instance of an addition being made by a hacker (which Tara left in the story, perhaps because it greatly improved the prose for a chapter)

As you've doubtless ascertained, we're not in Kansas any more. These are the supporting characters who feature in My Immortal:

Draco (aka Darko/Drace) - black hair, red eyes, bisexual, goff. Paranoid. Pussy. Cries constantly. Commits suicide at one point (and comes back to life). Drives a flying Mercedes Benz with a 666 license plate. Actually that's kinda kewl... He is in a permanent love triangle with Enoby and...

Harry Vampire Potter (aka Vampir/Vrompire) - black hair, red eyes, bisexual, goff with "manly stubble"! Has a pentagram-shaped scar. Cries constantly. Is a Slytherin. (And yeah, he's a vampire. But so is virtually everyone)

Albert Dumbledore (aka Dumblydor/Dumbledork/Dumblydum) - angry teacher (see quote at top of page). Wears a robe bearing the motif "Avril Lavigne". Preppy poser. Paints the Great Hall pink. Then paints it black to prove how emo he is (because he's a preppy poser).

Professor McGoggle - angry teacher, fond of getting irate at students who have sex in front of her. Inconsiderate bitch.

Snap (aka Snoop/Snipe/Snake) - Christian teacher. Former rocker who was kicked out of his band for being a preppy poser. Also a child-molester. And, not forgetting, a homosexual! He likes to get his thang on with...

Loopin (aka Lumpkin) - Snap's boyfriend. Also a child-molester and voyeur. Both Loopin and Snap get sent to Azerbaijan for this. Then they come back.

Vlodemot (aka Voldemort/Voldemint/Volxemort/the Bark Lord) - Villain who wants to kill Draco (motive unexplained). What is known is that he reads people's minds via telekinesis. Oh, and he was once a rocker before he became outed as a preppy poser.

Tom Marvolo Riddle Satan Bombodil - Vlodemot, as he was in the 1980s. A sexy goff teenager. Enoby goes back in time to have sex with him. Please don't ask how/why.

Snaketail - 16 yr-old Vlodemot lackie who tortures Draco and promptly begs Enoby for sex.

Professor Sinister (aka Professor Sinatra) - half-Japanese goff teacher who becomes a drug addict (I think). Naturally she's one of the heroes.

Professor Trevolry - I was very confused here. According to others, Trevolry is interchangeable with Sinister/Sinatra (see above). Difficult to tell.

Hermione B'loody Mary Smith - vampire, goff, Satanist, you know the deal by now. Which is why Hermione changed her name and became a Slytherin. She speaks Japanese. Sometimes. Badly.

Hargid (aka Hairgrid) - student in House Slytherin (because he's a Satanist, etc.) Also a sex-pest.

Mr Norris - school janitor, has a cat named Filth

Ron Diabolo Wesley - black hair, red eyes, yadayadayada, member of Slytherin. Became this way because his vampire father Mr Wesley sexually abused him and his siblings and committed suicide.

Jenny Wesley (aka Darkness)- Diabolo Wesley's sister. See above, story the same.

Crab Wesley and Goyle Wesley - twin brothers of Diabolo and Jenny/Darkness Wesley.

Nevel (aka Dracula) - His parents (vampire, natch) were killed in a car-crash, leading him to become black haired Satanic Slytherin, et al.

Cornelia Fuck - Mystery of Magic. Yes, you read that correctly. And it's a "he".

Doris Rumbridge - banishes Professor Sinister to Azerbaijan. For being a goff.

Serious Blak (aka Spartacus/Severus/Serifs) - Vampire Potter's goff dogfather. Yes, dogfather. Part of the goff band which abolished Snap for being a preppy poser.

James Somaro Potter - Vampire Potter's father. Part of goff band w/Serious & Snap. Is named for the ghost in The Ring. Yeah.

Lucian (aka Lucan) - Also part of above band. Possibly Draco's father. Had his arm shot clean off by Somaro Potter (they remained friends).

Hedwig - Vlodemot's ex-boyfriend. Yeah.

Dobby - Voyeur, enjoys watching Snap and Loopin shag.

At this point you might be thinking that Ms Tara Gilesbie could do with rereading the books. Actually, she freely admitted in OOC comments that she'd never read them at all!

She'd watched a couple of the films and the rest of the information came from her friend Raven, who also proof-read for her. After the first several chapters the two had a bad falling out which led to the author having no accurate information and no-one to spellcheck. Raven came back on board eventually, but the relationship was obviously rocky. Tara's OOC comments (and transparently-insincere apology for stealing a poster from her) prove that.

The mind-numbing (albeit hilarious) godawfulness of My Immortal has led many readers to question if the "story" is the work of a troll, deliberately subverting the fan-fiction genre.

My pet theory is that post-argument, Raven fed Tara false information regarding characters and spelling, leading to standards declining from dire to earth-shatteringly abysmal. It is worth noting that a number of fanfic authors have tried parodying My Immortal and none have come anywhere close.

If you doubt the fame of My Immortal, just Google it. Hell, it's seen numerous readings and several animated adaptations on YouTube!

For example: My Immortal-The Movie parts 1, 2 and 3.

And to conclude, some choice quotes from the epic:

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” - Professor McGoggle
“I hath telekinesis.” - Vlodemot
“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” - B'loody Mary
“BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!” - Hargid
“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” - Cornelia Fuck
“I want to shit next to her!” - Draco
“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” - Professor Sinister
“If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!” - Snap
“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight?" - Tom Satan Bombodil
“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!” - Professor Trevolry
“You fucking preppy fags!” - Serious Blak
“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” - Enoby
“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” - Britney

Tara, you are a bonafide internet legend and one of my heroes!
Thanks for the lulz!
ENOBY LIVES!